Ok, quick thought before I go back to blowing a whole Saturday on the new Turtles game:

All new one act play by KL Snow!

KL gets up from playing Turtles and goes over to his computer to talk to Ryan. This message from Ryan awaits him:

"hehehe I found this thing online, it rates how good or evil a website is. Mine's 31% evil and 69% good, yours is 28% evil and 72% good, here's the site, you can actually put a little things that says, "this site is certified 28% EVIL" it's kinda neat... http://homokaasu.org/gematriculator/

The following conversation ensued, between TheEvilKL (KL), and lilrichysspanky (Ryan)

TheEvilKL: So, it would appear, that while my post about W's tremendous free time after the election was premature, but it was also on the side of god, earning me 9975 good points.
LilRichysSpanky: lol
LilRichysSpanky: the thing that earned me some of the most points on my site was "Click the Sunset"
TheEvilKL: Although "Duuuuude, have you ever gotten a goldfish stoned?" was worth 4858 points.
LilRichysSpanky: must be the u's
TheEvilKL: "KL stares blankly" is also a holy phrase.
LilRichysSpanky: hmm
LilRichysSpanky: I was surprised at how good our pages our
TheEvilKL: "Donkey Konga is the worst video game I've ever played" - 4504 evil points.
LilRichysSpanky: indeed
LilRichysSpanky: (Link: http://www.lycos.com)www.lycos.com is 60% evi
LilRichysSpanky: l
TheEvilKL: Sadly, a later line in the same post: "You'd sell your girlfriend for those coins" - 3430 good points.
LilRichysSpanky: did you read about how they determine good from evi?
TheEvilKL: A little
LilRichysSpanky: yeah I skimmed it, just saw that words starting with nouns are good...
TheEvilKL: It's just funny that "Consume shit, then die," would be a holy phrase by that angle, all words starting with consonants.
LilRichysSpanky: along with "Me Hate God"
TheEvilKL: So yeah, I'm not buying this.
TheEvilKL: unless....
LilRichysSpanky: lol, but if your site were overwhelmingly evil you'd put it on there, as would I
TheEvilKL: LOL....and I have a use for it.
TheEvilKL: Georgewbush.com is 53% evil.
LilRichysSpanky: somehow I knew that was coming
TheEvilKL: JohnKerry.com, only 18%. So once again, the Americans have failed to choose the lesser of two evils.

And on that, going back to Turtles.
This has been KL Snow.

Here's a fun new game:

Decide what W should do with the tremendous amounts of time he's going to have on his hands after January.

Here's my best ones so far:
Play Stefano on Days of Our Lives. The role is open.
Become the dumbest Bond Villain EVER.
Generate enough money to permanently fix world hunger. And give it to Haliburton.

Those are the best ones so far. Got anything better?

Ok, I need to be working on a paper right now. I'm seriously way far away from being done with a paper that was already due a while ago.

But I'm writers' blocked, so it's time to write something goofy!

So here it is, the much awaited Series of One Act Plays by KL Snow, The Walmart Collection!

The first few plays all happened today and are funny in a "wow, you're dumb" sort of way. The last one is an incredible tale of stupidity, anger and vengeance, and if I live forever, I could still tell this story every day and love telling it.

Play 1: The Express Lane

KL is cashiering the express lane. IDIOT WOMAN walks up with a full cart of stuff.

KL: You realize this is the 20 items or less express lane, right?
IDIOT WOMAN (with 67 items): Yep.

About 5-10 customers later:

Play 2:

KL is still cashiering. STONERS walk up, carrying a bag of goldfish.
STONER 1: Duuuude, have you ever gotten a goldfish stoned?

Play 3:
KL is still cashiering. AMISH people enter the photo studio. MORONS come up to my register, carrying Halloween costumes.

MORON 1: Hey, check out the Amish woman! I should be an Amish woman for Halloween?
MORON 2: I wonder where she got her costume?
MORON 1 goes and asks her.

Play 4: (Multiple acts):
ACT 1

This one starts almost 2 months ago. KL has been invited to a meeting and is being offered a job by Primerica. KARL offered KL the job, and is standing with KL and 2 other POOR SUCKERS. MAJOR PRICK J.P. is lurking.

KARL: So KL, you go to Drake. What're you studying?
KL: Radio/TV Production
KARL: That's cool. We've got a guy here that used to work in radio. Hey J.P.!
MAJOR PRICK J.P. enters.
Moments pass.
J.P.: Yeah, I used to work in radio. I worked for an all-sports station in Cedar Rapids. During baseball season 2 years ago I got bored, so I asked a baseball player on the air if he'd ever fart in a catcher's face and I got canned.
KL stares blankly.
J.P.: What do you think? Would you do that?
KL takes a deep breath and starts to turn red.
KARL: I think we'd better be going.
KL lets the deep breath out.

Here's what I wanted to say, before Karl stopped me.

You fucking prick. I could take you back to Drake and introduce you to 10 people who would kill to have the job you fucked away, and any one of them would be embarassed to admit they'd met you later. If I had done what you've done, I'd be looking for a new line of work too, cause I'd be embarassed to show my face to a radio person ever again.

Weeks passed. I got hired by the Kerry campaign and turned down the job with Primerica, but kept working at Wal Mart on weekends so I'll still have a job after the campaign. Weeks passed and I wasn't thinking about what J.P. said and falling into rage quite as often. Then, one day:

Act 2:

KL is cashiering, of course. TOTAL PRICK J.P. comes into his line. KL decides to let it go and hope he doesn't get recognized.

J.P. comes to the front of the line. KL quietly bags his groceries. J.P. takes a close look at KL. There's a good sized line of people behind him, within earshot.

J.P.: Heeeeey...I know you! You came to the meeting at Primerica! Why didn't you come back?
KL takes a deep breath, but can't hold it in.
KL: I'd be embarassed to admit to anyone that I work for a prick like you.
J.P. turns pale.

I love that story.

Vengeance concludes, I've gotta go back to work now.
This has been KL Snow.

I think it's a pretty funny day today. So, without introduction, let's get right to it.

Woke up at like 7. Then again at 10 when Laura's alarm went off, then again at 10:40 or so. Laura was gone working out, so I got up, wandered out to my computer, and started working on the paper that was due at 4. Nothing noteworthy there.

In mid-paper, Laura came home and we ordered pizza. We tried that new Domino's Double Melt pizza, cause I really had to try a pizza with creative use of cheese one last time before they run out of places to put the cheese. It really wasn't that good, which really shouldn't have surprised me that much. The first half of this day went that way.

Anyway, finished pizza, finished paper, and it was time for a victory tour. I turned in the paper, went and picked up my paycheck, went comic book shopping (got a new Tales of the TMNT and found a collection of Teen Titans, if anyone cares), and set about to purchase a new video game. Bear in mind, I almost never buy video games new...I wait until people start to call them a classic and then I buy them used, about 9-10 months late. Today, however, I had my heart set on trying out a new concept.

I read Penny Arcade pretty much everyday, which is maybe a little weird coming from me, as it's a comic mainly about newly released games and, as mentioned above, I don't buy new games. After reading Tycho's review of Donkey Konga, however, I decided that was just goofy enough that I needed to try it. The concept is this: Songs play, and you have a pair of bongos in front of you. You drum along to the music with either the left bongo, the right bongo, both, or a clap. I quickly discovered that a clap could be replaced by smacking the side of a drum. The makers of this game are fortunate that this is the only violence in this story.

Donkey Konga is the worst video game I've ever played. It's tremendously simple in nature, which made it quickly enjoyable. You play songs well and get coins, and that was decently motivating, as you can buy alternate sounds for your bongos, extra levels, and mini games with those coins. For a little while, you need those coins. You'd sell your girlfriend for those coins. Or maybe only I would. But anyway.

It gets tedious WAY fast. There's maybe 4-5 songs in the game I liked...two I really liked, Whip It and The Impression That I Get. (It doesn't pay to mention the original bands for those songs here...all the songs are covered. Some of the covers are awful.) After that, you're forced to sift through the crap. There's a challenge mode where it randomly picks songs for you. Regardless of how much music you like, there's absolutely no chance it'll get through 3 songs without picking something out that'll make you wish you hadn't ever turned on your Gamecube. Finally, I played a song called "Diddy's Ditties," some messed up hybrid between Happy Birthday and Row Row Row Your Goddamn Boat. I beat it, on the first try, as a matter of fact I never once lost a level. Then I went and checked my coin balance. I had about half of what I needed to unlock a mini game. I went and checked the next level. It was Bingo. You know Bingo, the song about the dog that needs its name spelled over and over. The minigame wasn't worth chasing anymore. I turned off the Cube.

I think the developers knew the concept would get stale when they made the game. They added different bongos to use, and different bongos make different sounds. I unlocked the old school NES sounds, and the Quiz Show sounds, but when you're bored enough that you're using bongos that sound like Quiz Show buzzers to drum to the eternally long version of On The Road Again, you know you could've spent your $80 better buying fingernail clippers for the homeless.

I bought the game at Target at 3:30. By 5, it was back in the box. After a couple of other stops, at 6 I sold it to Gamers in West Des Moines....well, more truthfully, I traded it for Zelda: Four Swords and a down payment on the new Turtles game that'll come out sometime in the next two weeks. I lost about $25 in the process. I also had a couple of rather funny exchanges at the video game store, so, without further ado, back to back one act plays!

KL carries his HEAP OF CRAP into Gamestop. DUDE is behind the counter. KL drops his boxes on the counter.

KL: How much can you give me for this?
DUDE: Let me check...$27 total.
KL: Really? I just paid $80 for it two hours ago.
DUDE: Yeah, I don't know why our price is so low on this.
KL chuckles.
KL: I know why.

KL carries his HEAP OF CRAP into Gamers, and sets it down on the counter. GAMERS DUDE is behind the counter. OTHER DUDE is shopping.

KL: How much can you give me for this?
GAMERS DUDE: Let me check.
OTHER DUDE: How does that game work? What do you do? Do you just beat on the drums?
KL: Well, yeah, and at first the music is good, but then it starts to suck and before you know it you're trying to unlock minigames by drumming to Row Row Row Your Boat and thinking if anyone else walks into the apartment you'll never ever live it down. You realize your options are to resell it or dig a really deep dark hole it'll never get out of. I live on the second floor. So I had to resell it.
GAMERS DUDE: I can give you $30 for the game and $17 for the controller.
KL: I'll be happy just to have it out of my hands.
OTHER DUDE: Is it really that bad?
KL: I have an aversion to blood. That's the only thing keeping me from chasing down the game's developer with a pickaxe.
KL spots a bowling pin behind the counter.
KL: Can I borrow that?

Not a whole lot of noteworthy material would follow, so we'll wrap it up here.

Venting concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok, got 29 minutes before class, but there hasn't been a blog post in a long time, and most of you who will read this already know why, but in case you don't, here's a quick reason: There are only 24 hours in a day, too few to maintain a job on a presidential campaign, a weekend job, 18 credit hours of school, and addictions to Turtles and Pirates.

Anyway, today's thought.

This is gonna repeat with my AIM away message, but bear with me anyway. Laura got up this morning at 4:30 to go feed the homeless breakfast. Our conversation about it last night went something like this:

LAURA: I've gotta get up early tomorrow.
KL: Why?
LAURA: I'm going to go feed the homeless for the Salvation Army.
KL: How early?
LAURA: Probably around 4:30. I've gotta be there by 5.
KL: Why do they need to eat so early? What else do they have to do?
LAURA: Well, I need to go, cause if I don't, no one will and they won't get fed.

So there's still a blank question in there. Why do they need to eat so early? Do they have a big day planned and want to eat first? It really makes no sense to me. I ate breakfast at 10:30 this morning...if I can do that, certainly the homeless can let their charitable helpers sleep another hour or two and eat at 8:30.

But Laura got up and left this morning (I was shocked too) and I couldn't get back to sleep. After about 15 minutes Pirates beckoned me and I did the zombie walk out to my computer, sat down, and clicked on Pirates. It wouldn't open. I checked my AIM list to see if anyone else was having this problem. My AIM had disconnected too. Matter of fact, all my connections were gone. I'd like to take this opportunity to throw a shout out to Mediacom. Even when I want to do something at the strangest possible time, you found a way to keep me from getting what I wanted out of your "unlimited" service. Cause it's "unlimited" internet. Except when it's down.

Ok, I've got like 4 more minutes before I've gotta go and I haven't tried to be funny yet. So here goes. Here are...for the first time ever in print....jokes that tanked in my public speaking class speech!

1 minute background: The author I was speaking about had just found out his college wrestling program, which had paid his way through college and earned him four varsity letters, had been cut. Now, the awful jokes.

1. David Fleming paid his way through college at Miami of Ohio by wrestling...no, not the kind with the steel chairs and Hulk Hogan, the amateur kind.

2. In this article my author is angry. But he's not angry because he was left off the third season of Celebrity Poker on Bravo, he's angry because his program was cut.

Can you believe no one laughed? Yeah, me too.

Pathetic humor concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok, so I promised before that perhaps I'd be back later with more, and sure enough, here I am. So what's new you ask? C'mon, you know you were gonna ask...ok, well, pretend like you were gonna ask...

Ok, I'm gonna get the darkest thought out of the way so hopefully I can get past it and move on to something funnier. I thought of how I'd commit suicide tonight. I offered (mistake #1) to take Laura out to the new mall here in Des Moines tonight, it's out in Waukee on the border between the urban area that is Des Moines and the bare nothingness that stretches from here to the Omaha area. The new mall is hell. There's one crappy video game store, and a Hot Topic, which exists at both of the other malls in Des Moines. Then there's an Express, an Aeropostale, a Fossil, an Abercrombie, a Buckle and every other goddamn hellhole Laura routinely is drawn to. There's not a Gap, miraculously. But there's absolutely NOTHING I found of even moderate interest and couldn't have found at a mall closer to home.

Anyway, back to the earlier point. If I ever decide it's time to give up and end things, I'm gonna go gather a big pile of clothes at the Buckle. Then I'm gonna get myself a changing room and hang myself in there. I'm gonna leave a note that says "Your goddamn pink tinted lighting made me do it." I'm serious. The pink tinted lighting in the Gap, and Express, and the Buckle depresses me in ways I had previously thought would only be possible if someone died. I still feel out of sorts.

But on to brighter things. If you knew my plans for the new apartment, here's what's different:

I painted one room (the bedroom) instead of 4, and continue to debate Laura to keep the remaining rooms unpainted, mainly cause painting is a pain, and also because everything we paint now has to be painted back before we leave.

We're mostly moved in, had an extended debate over the proper position of my desk, but the move in went mainly without conflict...it's just a lot of work, and we're not quite done yet...we're still looking for a couch and a dresser, Goodwill failed us utterly tonight (wanting $99.99 for an old beat up dresser is absurd) .

I'll leave you with something funny. Laura and I's 8-month anniversary is tomorrow, and there weren't going to be gifts, but Laura and I found a t-shirt I had to have at the mall...it's a baseball-style t-shirt with the long dark sleeves on a white t-shirt, and it says "Have you seen my weiner?" and has a picture of a weiner dog on it. :-) Weiner dogs rock.

Please don't expose me to any more pink lighting.
This has been KL Snow.

Ok, it's been a while, maybe I'll be back for more later, but now it's time for

AN ALL NEW ONE ACT PLAY BY KL SNOW!

KL and LAURA are in their apartment. LAURA is complaining about her closet space. Almost half her closet is occupied by shoes.

LAURA: But I like shoes!
KL: And I like comic books. But the day comic books take up half my closet, a decision will have to be made.
LAURA: But you can't wear comic books.
KL: And you can't read shoes.
LAURA: Touche.

Humor concludes. This has been KL Snow.

OK, this is the last post from Wisconsin for what will probably be a long time. But do I ever have stories to tell...well, anecdotes, really. Here's the first one, an all new One Act Play!

This one takes place on the same set as a previous one act play, with KL at his computer having a conversation with ROBIN (scoobydrlp). The conversation goes as follows:

TheEvilKL: Six days from today Laura and I will be together again...
scoobydrlp: woohoo!
TheEvilKL: I just need to make it six more days...
scoobydrlp: you can do it
scoobydrlp: here, I got a joke for ya that will help you last for 6 more days
scoobydrlp: A bear and a rabbit go into the woods to take a shit.
scoobydrlp: the bear says to the rabbit, "Hey rabbit, do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
TheEvilKL: LOL....where were they before? An IHOP?
scoobydrlp: lol, lemme finish before I respond to any questions
TheEvilKL: lol, k
scoobydrlp: The rather refined rabbit said, "Well no, no I don't."
TheEvilKL: Is this joke gonna end with the bear using the rabbit to wipe his ass?
scoobydrlp: dammit!
scoobydrlp: I said lemme finish!
scoobydrlp: :D
TheEvilKL: Sorry, I'd heard it. :-)
scoobydrlp: hehe
scoobydrlp: I laughed
TheEvilKL: I do think my first question was the more pertinent one though...if a bear and a rabbit went into the woods, where were they coming from?
scoobydrlp: actually, I thought that same thing as I was typing it to send to you
scoobydrlp: I'm thinking they were probably at walmart.
TheEvilKL: Perhaps. But y'know what else?
scoobydrlp: huh?
TheEvilKL: Michigan Mayhem (CBA) - Named Reggie Fox coach, pending league approval.

Anyway, after that conversation I went to work. My last day at work. So, as was to be expected, I goofed around, a lot. Actually, at one point I felt kinda bad, cause I was given a shiny new pin to put on my vest for the good work I did yesterday while I was in mid-prank on someone else. But anyway, to show they loved me, instead of punishing me for being a total goof on my last day, they gave me a job where I could goof around as much as I wanted. That's right, they made me a greeter.

With that intro, here's Today's Other One Act Play!

(WARNING: This One Act has a very large cast.)
KL is guarding the doors at WAL MART. BOB is the other greeter. KEITH is a stockman. BEE is assistant manager. SHOPLIFTER is...well, duh.

SHOPLIFTER pushes a cart, loaded with stuff, past the cashiers and out the door, past BOB.
BOB yells and turns around to follow SHOPLIFTER.
SHOPLIFTER accelerates and runs out into traffic in the parking lot, where his cart is hit and tipped over by a gray SUV.
BOB, KEITH and BEE catch up with SHOPLIFTER as KL watches from a fair distance, still guarding the doors.
BOB and BEE both stop and try to talk SHOPLIFTER into giving up.
KEITH runs in and tackles SHOPLIFTER, actually lifting him out of his shoes.
KL: Wow, that's hardcore.

Humor concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok, here are some more random toys.

PARENTAL

ADVISORY

KL SNOW CONTAINS EXPLICIT LYRICS

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Kyle Lobner may explode without warning

M EXPLOSIVE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Snowbaseball.com Look out for the

m HOLE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP KL SNOW\'S BLOG AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com


Actually, that's all I've got!

Randomness concludes. This has been KL Snow.

My brain is...


What Color is Your Brain?
brought to you by Quizilla

At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.
With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.
With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.

I think this is a pretty fair assessment for me. What color is your brain?

Ok, to start off with, here's a random thought:

If a tree falls on a florist and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Maybe it's only funny to me. Here's a quick rundown of where I've been, as copied and pasted from the story I told someone else on AIM cause I'm too lazy to write it all again:

on Thursday I went fishing with my dad during the day, then drove to Rapids to pick Laura up, and then drove to Des Moines, getting there slightly after midnight.

Friday we slept in a bit, then went apartment hunting, out to lunch in the suburbs, met Ben to get my apartment keys, went to the cell phone office, went back into town and signed the lease on an apartment, rented a storage unit, went out job hunting for Laura, went job hunting for me, had dinner with Tara and rented Amelie.

Saturday we spent almost 7 hours cleaning my apartment and moving out. It took 3 loads with Laura's van to get all my stuff to the storage unit. I also had to mangle the metal frame of my bed to get it out because it wouldn't come apart (most mangling was preceded by the phrase "Hulk angry"), then I cooked dinner at Laura's apartment, we went to Bourne Supremacy with Tara, and got to bed slightly after midnight again.

Sunday we slept in, went out for brunch, went to the mall so Laura could shop for purses and I could practice my "Frankenstein wastes a minute of our time" impression, went to Tara's apartment to give her her birthday present, went back to Laura's apartment, cleaned up and packed, and drove back to Rapids.

Monday (yesterday) morning I had to leave my dad's by 8 so I could be to work by 10, where I worked until 7. So my ass is worn out.

Actually, after the weekend ended, things didn't get tremendously better...I took it easy after work last night but I was sick overnight again, stupid gall bladder insists on giving me pain even though it's not there anymore. I really want to know what's wrong but I'm scared to go find out, surgery once was enough.

Anyway, there's a fun adventure I missed in my telling of the weekend story, so I'll tell it now. Laura and I went to brunch at Granite City on Sunday, and both of us ate way more than we should, so we weren't hungry until late Sunday night. We decided we would order Papa John's when we got to Rapids...this was someplace in southern Minnesota. Then I remembered, we were talking about Rapids here, not Des Moines, so I wondered if Papa John's would still be open. Here's a step-by-step of the remaining process:

I called Ryan. I'm not sure why, I just thought he should know. And if not, I could use him to look it up. Anyway, Ryan was on the other line with Tara. So I told him about my problem, hung up and waited for him to call me back.

A few minutes later, Tara called. She wasn't Ryan, but I recovered from that surprise long enough to get the phone number for Papa John's.

I called the number Tara gave me. It was disconnected.

I called 411 on my cell phone, and got a man who spoke almost no english. I told him Wisconsin Rapids, WI, and gave him Papa John's, and he told me the nearest Papa John's was in Waukesha. Yes, Waukesha. Farther away than Appleton, La Crosse, Stevens Point, Madison, Oshkosh, Fond Du Lac, Wausau, Marshfield, and about 20 other cities I'm certain must have a Papa John's. 161.3 miles, to be exact. I told him thanks for wasting my time.

I had crossed into Wisconsin in this time, and now I decided to just wait until I was in Rapids and resolve it from there. When we got to Rapids I went to papajohns.com to order online, and found Rapids doesn't have a Papa John's anymore, so I couldn't order.

I went to Wal Mart and bought a frozen pizza.

Frustration concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok, greetings and welcome to Appleton, WI, lately there's more blog posts here than anywhere else, it's my blog home away from the blog home that's not really my blog home but it is the place I'm staying since moving out of my blog home in Des Moines.
 
Anyway, nothing tremendously notable has happened recently, so instead of boring you with a day by day look at my boring and repetitive life, I'm going to try to entertain you with a work of short fiction, "The Penny of Doom."
 
The day began like any other. Customers come through, get checked out, customers go away. Sometimes my light is on, sometimes my light is flashing, but there are always customers, ALWAYS. It's Sunday, you see. Customers are on the prowl, customers are lurking, and some customers appear to be shopping for adult diapers, but they're the most dangerous of all, they're looking for a place to crap on the floor, then finishing their day by digging for pennies and making your line stack up to the end of civilization. This particular day, however, there were more sinister forces lurking.
 
You see, most days the saving grace from old people who dig for pennies are the customers behind them. They'd like to finish their shopping on the same day they started, so they frequently dig out their own pennies, slam them on the counter and end the epic search. Not always, however. On this particular day, an elderly woman arrived at the register with the typical elderly woman needs. Twenty seven bottles of vitamins, prescriptions for ailments probably caused by overuse of vitamins, and a giant pack of adult diapers, cause it's hard to control your bladder when you have to take pills with a glass of water 40 times a day.
 
Her total:  $49.03 She stared blankly for a moment. Then, as if remembering for the first tme that money would be involved in this transaction, she put a purse on the counter, the size of a car. After fishing for far too long, a checkbook was captured, and slower than one would think possible, a check was written. I went from cleanshaven to hairy in this time. I checked my watch. It was 3:30. I was supposed to leave at 4. Finally, she wrote me the check, and I thought it was over. Then I looked down at the check. It was for $49.00. "I have the pennies," she said. And then the epic search began. Two pennies quickly surfaced accidentally, as she found them next to the toothbrush and the nose hair trimmer. Then, 15 minutes passed. The purse was empty, and no more pennies had appeared. I looked around, help was not in sight. The customers in line behind the woman, resigned to their fate as potential lifers at Wal Mart, had sat down and opened a box of Pop Tarts, which they were rationing.
 
Some ominous music played, but I thought nothing of it. As quickly as it started, it went away and Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al began to play. I know all the words to it, and songs like it that play on Wal Mart Radio are sometimes the only thing keeping me sane. So I quietly began to sing along, and right as I hit the part where Chevy Chase would have dropped the glass through the table that's not really a table in the video, a woman dressed in black walked up to my register. "I have a penny," she said in a deep voice I didn't expect. "It's at the deep end of the Dark Labrynith of Purse." With that, she picked up her purse, opened it, and quickly covered my head with it. Everything went black for a second...
 
I snapped back awake to hear a "ziiip" sound. I was in a room with one door. I exited, and found a room with a door. I walked past vampires, bogs and mires, wolfmen, garbage men, pedophiles, the smoking man from the X Files, pyromaniacs, nerds and brainiacs, my deepest fears, Norm from Cheers, heroes and fools, power tools, termites, suburbanites, a man claiming to be from cyberspace, seven men with one face, Frankenstein, Sir Ullrich von Liechtenstein, aliens, Romanians, a giant coffee mug, the guy who invented Weatherbug, a guy who looked wimpy, Ren and Stimpy, seven toasters, half-finished roller coasters, a rack of posters, braggers and boasters, pop stars who couldn't sing, 85 year old men wearing bling, a mother bear missing her cub and 727 copies of The Babysitters' Club."

Finally, I got to another empty room. In it was my car. I knew there was a penny in my car. There had to be a penny in my car. I reached into my pocket to find my keys. And I found...a penny.

Story concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok, so it's been a tremendously busy week, and it's not going to get any quieter for a few days. Here's a recent schedule:

Wednesday: Work until 6:30 (actually 6:40 or so, we'll get back to that later. Maybe. We'll see how much I feel like ranting about something I should have seen coming.) Left for Appleton right after work, on like the slowest sports day in history, no professional sports playing AT ALL. So I drove to Appleton, hooked up with Laura a bit before 9:30, closed down a Culvers', went to bed.

Thursday: Got up too late in the morning, Laura had to hurry to go to work so I didn't get to have lunch with her. Went to Power House Comics...pulled on the door, and found it locked. (If you're new to the blog, this isn't a new phenomenon.) Looked down and saw that Power House Comics opens at noon. It wudn't noon yet.

Side note #1: Power House Comics is a really cool place and the guy there is tremendously friendly, as friendly or friendlier than the guy who runs Dragon Fire Comics in West Des Moines. He was knowledgeable and helpful, and when I asked him why his comic book store is only open 4 days a week, and only 7 hours a day, He told me. It's because he's had to pick up a second job. That's sad.

Anyway, Power House Comics was closed so I went to Jimmy John's for lunch (I was sooooo craving a Gargantuan. Seriously. I can still taste it.) Then I went back to Power House Comics, as noon had come and passed. I bought a new comic book and went back to Laura's house, where I set up shop with two comic books, five baseball books and Laura's sister's laptop. I was set up to either research like a crazy man or blow an afternoon like no afternoon has ever been blown before. In the end I did a combination of the two...I got one good baseball article on the site, started work on a second one, and read both comic books, while IM'ing like mad. Then I left to go see Matt.

I still consistently talk to one person from high school, and I talk to as many as a dozen more sporadically. Matt falls into the second category, but the close prozimity of Appleton to his current home in Fond Du Lac drew me to go see him on this day. We played Mario Kart for a long time. His house is nice, he's engaged, he's got a good job. It's kinda scary. I don't have a home in Des Moines, or a job beyond August, and my situation with Laura is good but we're certainly not cemented into place. I've gotta tip my hat to Matt...he didn't go to college but he's making things work. Well, I would have to tip my hat if I were wearing a hat. But I'm not. So I'm tipping a sock. Yes, a sock. Sorry, my clothing options were limited.

I picked Laura up from work Thursday night, she was late getting out and I had to wait a long time. We went to Fazoli's cause I hadn't eaten yet, and we went to see Farenheit 9/11. If half of what Michael Moore says is true, then the concept the movie lays out is goddamn scary. If all of it's true, it's downright horrifying. We got in late from the movie, went to bed shortly thereafter, because...

Today: I had to wake up at 6:45 to be on the road by 7:15 to be at work by 10:15. That 3 hour trip followed by 8 hours of work made for a long day...and I'm not going to rant about why work sucks lately. I'm sick of thinking about it. Tomorrow I work 12-9, Sunday I work 7-4 and then I'm leaving for Appleton again, until I work at 2 on Tuesday. In the meantime, here are some other things going on:

I'm way overdue for an oil change and simply haven't had time to do it. I'm at 5800 miles since my last one. I'm hoping to get it done tomorrow...maybe.

I've been eating a lot of Chinese food lately, first and foremost because it's yummy, but secondly, because lately it's been kinda fun. The good Chinese restaurant here in town is run by a single Chinese family, and their cute daughter is the waitress. I went there for lunch for the first time last week one day, and she didn't really want anything to do with me. But I left a good tip. The second day, she sat down and talked to me for a minute or two, about what I do, etc. (I make this trip on lunch from work, so I'm always alone.) Again, I left a good tip. The third day was Wednesday. She introduced me to her mom. Then her mom and her disappearaed around the corner and had a loud debate in Chinese, while turning around the corner to look at me every few minutes. I'm a bit scared. But I want fried rice really bad. Maybe I'll go tomorrow.

Anyway, that's all from here. Long post concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok, here's a new blog feature, the Pre-emptive obituary.

I have no idea if this will be funny enough for me to write more than one, but I think the current situation merits it.

This is a pre-emptive obituary for: The family of 4 who came through my checkout line today. They bought several bags of jelly beans, circus peanuts, and other assorted cheap candies. I watched these candies go by for a minute, then looked up and said "wow, you must have quite the sweet tooth."

Their response: "No, we're feeding the bears."
Me: "Ummm...ok."
Them: "They're cute and watching them is fun."

I didn't respond to that. I don't like developing attachments to the soon-to-be deceased. It's quite possible they've tried to pet a bear by now, and the bear is flossing its teeth with their intestines. And yes, before you ask, I checked their address when they wrote a check, and yes, they were from Illinois.

Dumbfoundedness concludes. This has been KL Snow.

Ok. I'm going to make this lead-in short and sweet. I don't do crack cause I have moments like this without the aid of any drug.

And now, an all new One Act Play by KL Snow!

KL is sitting at his computer. He's typing. A large screen shows his activity. He has this conversation with LilRichysSpanky, aka Ryan.

TheEvilKL: New topic for discussion, the possible merits and pitfalls of living in a 2 dimensional world like that of Sonic the Hedgehog.
LilRichysSpanky: hmmm
LilRichysSpanky: let me ponder that
TheEvilKL: Merit: Giving directions would be incredibly easy. "Just keep going right until you get there."
LilRichysSpanky: lol
TheEvilKL: Pitfall: Highway traffic coming from the left would be coming straight at highway traffic coming from the right.
LilRichysSpanky: pitfall: girth can't be used to compensate for lack of length.
TheEvilKL: ummm.....dude...
LilRichysSpanky: lol
LilRichysSpanky: i keed i keed
LilRichysSpanky: i find a hole in your traffic pitfall
LilRichysSpanky: though there is no depth
LilRichysSpanky: the cars would jsut pass through one another
TheEvilKL: I find a hole in your girth pitfall.
LilRichysSpanky: oh really?
TheEvilKL: Yeah. Something could be short in length but still have a big height.
LilRichysSpanky: hmm
LilRichysSpanky: then i don't see any pitfalls
TheEvilKL: But wouldn't it be like living in the median strip of a highway? Anyone trying to go left or right would indefinitely have to pass right by you.
LilRichysSpanky: yeah
TheEvilKL: Tara's having a harder time buying into my 2 dimensional world.
LilRichysSpanky: i like it
TheEvilKL: The lack of ability to hug has her concerned.
TheEvilKL: I told her we'd just have to press up against each other. Naked.
LilRichysSpanky: no
LilRichysSpanky: you couldn't
LilRichysSpanky: unless you were enemies
TheEvilKL: LOL...I thought you might object.
LilRichysSpanky: because otherwise you'd just be parallel with each other
TheEvilKL: So one in a 2 dimensional world would only have sex with one's enemies?
LilRichysSpanky: i guess so
TheEvilKL: That's a pitfall.
LilRichysSpanky: is tails sonic's buddy?
TheEvilKL: Yeah
LilRichysSpanky: yeah.. see
LilRichysSpanky: sonic and tails don't hit each other
LilRichysSpanky: but they both run into dr. robotnik
TheEvilKL: So I'm gonna end up walking into a bar and using pickup lines like "Hey, bitch!" and "Say, have you gained weight?"
LilRichysSpanky: just might work
LilRichysSpanky: although
LilRichysSpanky: then you could get slapped too
TheEvilKL: I might be better at picking up 2 dimensional chicks.
TheEvilKL: It'd have to be like a straight palm thrust...anything to the sides of my face would require 3 dimensions...I'd probably break my nose a lot.
LilRichysSpanky: yeah
LilRichysSpanky: punches to the gut
LilRichysSpanky: groin
TheEvilKL: I'm naking this conversation into a blog entry.
TheEvilKL: It's going to be an all new One Act Play.
LilRichysSpanky: woohoo

Humor concludes. This has been KL Snow.