An open letter to the ice cream truck
Dear Ice Cream Truck,
As you can likely tell by my waistline, I'm a huge fan of your product, in more ways than one. You and I have always had a special bond - that shrill musical number you play could wake me from the deepest slumber and immediately send me scrambling for cash.
With that said, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to connect with you. You were designed to attract children playing outside, but my increasingly sedentary lifestyle makes it less and less likely that I'll be outside when you're in the neighborhood. Of course, when asked why I'm not outside getting exercise, I'll cite factors like an increased skin cancer risk, but really I just can't miss tonight's extra special episode of Obnoxious Housewives of Wherever, the opening segment of So You Think You Can Wretch, or three innings of a 9-2 baseball game. Without them I'll have nothing to discuss with my co-workers tomorrow.
As I slowly work my way towards getting too fat to leave the house, the concept of a magical vehicle that delivers ice cream is increasingly attractive. You have saved me a five minute walk (Who am I kidding? I drive there.) to the store for sugar and fat many times. However, your business model is now hit-and-miss with me, as I'm not always in a position to gather cash and waddle out to the street before you drive by at five miles per hour.
As such, I'd like to offer a suggestion: Next time, just pull in my driveway and honk the horn. If I don't answer, the key is under the mat - please put ice cream in my freezer and take the cash on the counter. If you could be so kind as to check and make sure I haven't had a heart attack or gone into a diabetic coma, that'd be great. If you're too busy to check on me, no big deal...the Schwann's man will be here tomorrow.
Sincerely,
America
The NFL Draft Drinking Game
This is probably the simplest drinking game you'll ever play, but before you start, this disclaimer: If you play it for the full two days of the draft, you might die, and I'm not responsible for it if you do.
The rules:Every time a player's height and weight or 40 yard dash time is mentioned, drink.
Passionate fetch
I have a dachshund. Like a light switch, he is either on: infinitely active, playful and destructive (mostly destructive), or off: asleep on the couch. All of his 13-month lifespan has been spent in one of these two states. Simply put, Gorman doesn't half-ass anything. He's either all in or all out.
And when he's all in, fetch is where it's at. If you're hanging around and he wants to play fetch, there is no acceptable excuse not to. A toy will be set near your feet. You will notice it, because a barking dachshund quickly draws your attention.
But then he makes sure you're all in too. If you make a weak effort to pick up the toy, he'll pick it up before you get to it. Absolutely no inferior effort will be tolerated. If you're making a pedestrian effort to get the toy, he'll take it and work on destroying it somewhere else. Then, he'll give you a moment and come back to see if you've learned your lesson. If you're quicker this time, you might get the toy, assuming, of course, you can win the tug of war for it and escape with your fingers in tact.
Suddenly, you are the center of Gorman's world. He will watch you until the first time you fake a throw. Then, he'll turn and watch intently in the direction the toy will eventually fly, like you're showing a fascinating movie on the wall across the room. Finally, the toy takes flight and Gorman is off with lightning speed, cruising around the corner into the kitchen and sliding across the tiles. With luck, the toy stopped harmlessly in the middle of the floor and is accessible. If it landed on a counter or in a cupboard, Gorman will inform you of that by whining and barking incessantly until the errant throw has been retrieved. If you forgot to close the pantry before playing fetch the target might be buried in there, but rest assured, Gorman will guide you to it.
The game can continue for hours, in fact it will, because you'll get barked at again if you're trying to stop. A few lame throws, though, can end the game quickly. Eventually, you'll make a weak effort and Gorman will just stare at you, like an enthusiastic lover who can't understand why you're just not that into it. Then it's back to the couch, to wait for someone more interesting to come home.
Maybe Linens After Midnight?
Here's today's joke. I'm on the road this weekend, and my fiancee is working on wedding plans. We're pretty close to done, so it's just minor stuff remaining. This morning, for example, Laura and her mom are off looking at linens.
Here's the problem, though: Their linen place has a boring name. Special Memories or something similar, I've already forgotten it. I feel like I can help. As a service to you, the occasional reader who may be thinking of starting a linen store, here are the eight sure-fire success linen store names I've come up with this morning:
Linen Rome
Linen Let Die
Pickin' and Linen
Napkins and Not Much Else
Linengrad
Enlinenment
Linen on a Prayer
Workin' Hard For a Linen
I haven't copyrighted any of them, so they're all yours.
Trying something new.
Ok, let's try this.
I'm not really doing politics anymore. I do write a lot about baseball over at
Brew Crew Ball, but, as one might guess, it's pretty much exclusively baseball.
The original name of this blog was Stuff I Don't Put On Snowbaseball.com. The concept was pretty simple: I put my baseball-related thoughts on my baseball site, and everything else here. It's always amazing to me when life comes full-circle. Years later, here I sit, with a different website for posting my thoughts about baseball, but with something left to write: jokes.
I don't know how often I'll post here - probably whenever I think of something funny. At any rate, thanks for reading and enjoy.
KL
The final chapter
Every time I open Firefox, it brings me to this blog. Sometimes, I think maybe I'll come back to it and start writing again. Lately, though, it makes me a little sad, like the story you'd been following for years ended and I didn't tell you how. I've learned never to say never, but it seems relatively likely that this will be my last post in this space.
Anyway, here's how the story ends. I moved to Maquoketa and struggled for some time to find work before I found the job I'm holding now, Iowa organizer for Common Cause. I love my job, I work with incredible people and, months after it appeared my life in politics was over, I'm back to working to get big money out of politics. Visit
Common Cause's Iowa page for more.
That link took me almost 2 full minutes to set up. It's been a while since I've blogged, and it shows.
Anyway, I love my job with Common Cause, but it makes it doubly challenging for me to maintain a space like this...if I didn't hold myself completely opinionless on candidates, I'd be risking an electioneering charge. I could write a boring blog, but what's the point?
I guess I could also close this blog down and start an anonymous one where it wouldn't be an issue, but I'm scared I'd fall prey to the
Greater Internet Dickwad Theory. I think we all know someone who's gone too far anonymously and now writes a steady stream of inane, inflammatory, lowest-common-denominator drivel. I won't even bother linking to him.
At any rate, if you're looking for more of me for whatever reason, here's the basics:
I do on occasion write personal stuff on my
Myspace blog. I still check the email address listed in the sidebar. I stopped reading blogs for a while but I'm back to it now, so if you write something that intrigues me I may comment on it.
But, barring something unforseen, this is my last post on
Things I Don't Put On Snowbaseball.com Diary of a Political Madman News and Notes From A New Life.
KL
READS: Wednesday, July 11 is...
Naadam (Mongolia)
World Population Day (UN)
From
Wikipedia:
Naadam (Mongolian: Наадам, games) is the national festival of Mongolia held from July 11th to 13th. The festival is also called "eriyn gurvan naadam" (эрийн гурван наадам) meaning "men's three variety of games" or "three manly games." The games are Mongolian wrestling, horse racing and archery, and are the only ones that are held throughout the country. Despite the name, women participate in the archery and horse-racing games, but not in Mongolian wrestling.
Sadly, I don't have much time for manly games today. I'm busy packing things for my move. I did play disc golf last night, though, and I did belch while I played, so is that manly enough?
I thought an interesting fight was about to develop between the Register and State 29 today over the definition of
fair use. Certainly, the first half of
this post would imply it. Then, faster than I could say "Oh god, is he back to quoting Animal House?" he folded.
I'm not sure how much I'll miss him, as I've said before that I think he's gone from insightfully vulgar to just vulgar over the years, and gone from producing new and interesting content to seeking out opportunities to grind the same old axes. But I think it's unfortunate that he's decided to fold under pressure from the Register, merely because of the precedent it sets. As such, I had some reads from the Register that I was going to link today, but I'm deleting them. For trying to use legal action to silence a critic, the Register can sit on the bench for a day.
As for other reads today:
While State 29 appears to be shutting down,
Joe Kristan is back to cover the end of Project Destiny:
You have to hand it to our local chamber of commerce. The Greater Des Moines Partnership, with the backing of the biggest companies in town and a $770,000 war chest - 200 times that of the opposition - managed to convince about one voter in seven to vote for a sales tax increase in an off-season election specifically timed to maximize their chances for approval. It's hard to think of a way to make their performance any more disastrous, short of having mobs chanting "no!" sack their headquarters building.
You really should go read the whole thing. It gets better from there.
Also,
Common Iowan has a good piece up on universal health care. Go read that too.
As you may have guessed from the late nature of today's reads, it's kind of a busy day for me, with packing and other assorted nonsense to take care of in preparation for my move to Maquoketa. There likely will not be posting tomorrow, as I'll be spending the day making a trip over to move some things and interview for a job. Regular posting will likely resume on Friday, assuming the Register doesn't try to run me off, too.
KL
REACTION: A response to the Obama Nation
In
yesterday's reads, I made a joke about Barack Obama, which led to this response from longtime reader and fellow Dem activist RF:
I forgot you are very skeptical of Obama. Nothing wrong with that. But what are you looking for? For the perfect resume or "right" on every single pet D issue? Didn't we already go that route? Are we enjoying the fruits of Gore and Kerry administrations?
Like it or not, most people vote with their gut. Plus, lots of people seem to think Obama has something to offer, something they want. I'm in that group for sure. The fact that his astounding fundraising has all been done without PAC or lobbyist money has been incredibly underreported. He's done it Fallon-style, which proves something to me.
I felt the need to respond, because I felt a little slapped in the face when it was suggested that I'm looking for the next John Kerry. I'm not.
I'm an idealist, a farther-left-than-most liberal and a policy wonk. I'm also on record as hating things done for the sake of "party unity," which I think sets aside our true responsibilities in favor of political expediency and often creates scenarios where we're choosing between losing a little or losing a lot.
As such, I'm not interested in looking for a candidate we can all unite behind. I'm not interested in finding the least offensive candidate or the candidate most likely to beat the Republicans. I'm interested in supporting the candidate who is with me on the issues and shows a genuine interest in leading the country in the direction I feel it needs to go.
I'm skeptical of Barack Obama because I feel he's running for chief rock star, not chief executive. He's polished, articulate, and he displays likeable qualities, so if you're voting based on those things, he's your guy. But in 2000, Governor George W. Bush said "I'm a uniter, not a divider." That platitude got him into the White House, and six and a half years into his administration, most Americans would argue that we're not better off for it.
Today, Barack Obama is running on a platform of similar platitudes based on hope and unity. I like those things as much as the next guy, but he's going to have to show me a bit more substance before I'm convinced he's someone I want to invest any hope in or unite behind.
KL
IF YOU'RE BORED: Local anecdotal voting numbers
I voted at 11 am and was voter #40 at my polling place.
Not mind-boggling turnout, but for early in the day, that's not bad.
KL
READS: Tuesday, July 10 is...
Independence Day (Bahamas)
It's also time to get out to the polls to vote on Project Destiny.
Joe Kristan at the Tax Update blog has a pretty fair summary of the proposal:
The proposal would boost the local sales tax rate from 6% to 7%, with 1/3 of the proceeds earmarked for property taxes, and the rest to be spent by our local elected officials with their usual thrift.
Honestly, I'm done making my case. If you're not against using regressive taxation to pay for non-essential services, I don't know what to tell you.
On presidentials, Political Fallout has the read of the day. Check out
his post on the e-word and how it's invaded the Republican party as well.
As for candidate specific stories, here's the alphabetical list:
- The Register reports that Sam Brownback's supporters are violating election laws by campaigning too close to polling locations. This seems like an awesome way to alienate voters.
- Bleeding Heartland asks if it matters that Dick Gephardt endorsed Hilary Clinton. This is the first I've heard of it, so it obviously didn't influence me. The theory is it may move some people in the labor community, but I don't think there's a lot of labor voters who could be moved that far.
- The Register also reports that Barack Obama will tour the state with veterans next week to address claims that he's weak on national security. I, for one, applaud him for stepping out and addressing an actual issue. I might have more on him later today, depending on my schedule.
The Register reports that
gambling revenues have set a new record for the second consecutive year, and offers this tell-all statistic:
Between July 1, 2006, and June 30, 2007, more than 22.5 million guests visited Iowa's 17 state-licensed casinos, losing an average of $62 each at the three racetrack-casinos and $57 aboard the 14 gaming boats, according to the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission.
So, it appears that if you're going to a casino and making money, you're not just one in a million, you're one in
22.5 million.
Finally, a non-political read. I'm convinced Chris Radloff is one of the most talented storytellers I've ever had the good fortune to come across, and
his post from today is a perfect example of his best work. Go check it out.
And for the love of fairness, get out to the polls!
KL
META: Some sidebar cleanup and additions
It's been a while since I cleaned up the sidebar, so here's some META notes for you:
ADDS:
Essential EstrogenIowa IndependentTO LAPSED:
The Chelsea Lepley Fan Club (It's not really lapsed, but it is invite only now.)
Iowa GuyIowa ProgressJoe Says SoKrusty KonservativeBACK FROM LAPSED:
Side Notes and DetoursAs always, if you've got a blog you'd like added to the sidebar, let me know.
KL
READS: Monday, July 9 is...
Independence Day (Argentina)
The Bab's Martyrdom (Baha'i)
Also, hat tip to the Freakonomics blog for pointing out (
snicker) that today is the start of
Nude Recreation Week. Feel free to celebrate accordingly.
There's nothing terribly exciting in any of the presidential reads this morning, so I'll just make you a nice alphabetical list and you can read whatever strikes you:
DesMoinesDem (via Bleeding Heartland) on
Joe BidenDouglas Burns of Iowa Independent on
Chris DoddO. Kay Henderson on
Rudy GiulianiThe Register on
Tommy ThompsonOk, maybe there is one good joke in here: in the ever-increasing effort to find something Barack Obama actually stands for, burglars broke into his Davenport campaign HQ and stole two laptop computers and
some campaign literature. Thankfully, hope and platitudes were left untouched, leading campaign spokesman Tommy Vietor to say, "It doesn't appear that it was anything sensitive or irreplaceable."
Finally, as if you needed another reminder, the vote on Project Destiny is tomorrow. I'm still against regressive taxes, hopefully you are too. If you're still on the fence about it, here's a good
overview of the proposal from Sunday's Register, and a significantly less useful
horserace story from this morning.
Have a good day, Iowa.
KL
Welcome back.
Next week was supposed to be a really big week for me. And it is, but not in the way I anticipated.
I've been quiet for months. I've been busy, bored and lazy for large chunks of that time, but that's not the whole story. I've also been keeping a secret for much of this time, and working on the right way to reveal it.
As recently as two weeks ago, I was preparing to announce that I'm running for state representative. I was planning on telling you next week that my frustration with the leadership of our Democratic Party has grown to the point where it can only be fixed from within. I was planning to tell you that Party loyalty by itself isn't solving Iowa's problems and the only way to get progressive legislation was to show our legislators, on both sides of the aisle, that we're willing to fight for it.
Unfortunately, as it sometimes does, life got in the way.
Months ago, Laura accepted a year-long residency at a pharmacy in Maquoketa, 200 miles away from our home in Des Moines. Sometimes the only way to realize what you have is to lose it, and when Laura moved out it hit me in a hurry. Eight days ago, I asked her to marry me, and she accepted. At the end of July, I'm moving to Maquoketa to be with her. This means my campaign will, at the very least, have to wait.
Beyond that, I'm not sure what it means. I have no idea what I'll be doing for work after the end of the month, no idea what my political involvement (if any) will be, and no idea where I'll be going home to after our year in Maquoketa is over. I'd like to come back to Des Moines, but I'm not tied to it anymore.
But I do know this: I no longer have a reason to be quiet. So this blog, with a new name and look, is back. Thanks for checking it out.
KL
STATUS REPORT:
This is going to be quick, but I wanted to make sure you know I haven't forgotten about you.
My new job isn't going as well as I'd hoped. I work approximately 7:30-3:30 everyday and spend the last 6-7 hours tapping on my desk waiting for 3:30 so I can go home. It's not something I'm enjoying a lot or that I'm really eager to talk about. It ends on June 29, though, so I've got that to look forward to.
Between Laura's graduation from pharmacy school and the new job last week, I didn't find a lot of time to read or write. I'm going to try to work on that this week as I settle into more or a schedule.
But in the meantime, I need to get to work. I've got a desk to hold down.
KL
META(?): A blog status update
I don't think META is really the right tag for this one, but I haven't really figured out the correct tag for a blog that's really just about me.
Anyway, here's the scoop. I got a job and I start a new 8-5 existence Monday morning. I'm not entirely sure how that's going to affect my posting here. It doesn't really make sense for me to recap the day's news everyday if I'm not going to do it until after 5. I guess I could still do daily "Today in other people's blogs" kind of stuff, and that's probably the direction I'm headed.
On the other side, features are probably more likely to occur because in an office/data entry environment, I'm likely to have some time on my hands to
daydream develop content.
So that's the story. Check back late Monday for updates.
KL
