Friday, October 22, 2004

Ok, I need to be working on a paper right now. I'm seriously way far away from being done with a paper that was already due a while ago.

But I'm writers' blocked, so it's time to write something goofy!

So here it is, the much awaited Series of One Act Plays by KL Snow, The Walmart Collection!

The first few plays all happened today and are funny in a "wow, you're dumb" sort of way. The last one is an incredible tale of stupidity, anger and vengeance, and if I live forever, I could still tell this story every day and love telling it.

Play 1: The Express Lane

KL is cashiering the express lane. IDIOT WOMAN walks up with a full cart of stuff.

KL: You realize this is the 20 items or less express lane, right?
IDIOT WOMAN (with 67 items): Yep.

About 5-10 customers later:

Play 2:

KL is still cashiering. STONERS walk up, carrying a bag of goldfish.
STONER 1: Duuuude, have you ever gotten a goldfish stoned?

Play 3:
KL is still cashiering. AMISH people enter the photo studio. MORONS come up to my register, carrying Halloween costumes.

MORON 1: Hey, check out the Amish woman! I should be an Amish woman for Halloween?
MORON 2: I wonder where she got her costume?
MORON 1 goes and asks her.

Play 4: (Multiple acts):

This one starts almost 2 months ago. KL has been invited to a meeting and is being offered a job by Primerica. KARL offered KL the job, and is standing with KL and 2 other POOR SUCKERS. MAJOR PRICK J.P. is lurking.

KARL: So KL, you go to Drake. What're you studying?
KL: Radio/TV Production
KARL: That's cool. We've got a guy here that used to work in radio. Hey J.P.!
MAJOR PRICK J.P. enters.
Moments pass.
J.P.: Yeah, I used to work in radio. I worked for an all-sports station in Cedar Rapids. During baseball season 2 years ago I got bored, so I asked a baseball player on the air if he'd ever fart in a catcher's face and I got canned.
KL stares blankly.
J.P.: What do you think? Would you do that?
KL takes a deep breath and starts to turn red.
KARL: I think we'd better be going.
KL lets the deep breath out.

Here's what I wanted to say, before Karl stopped me.

You fucking prick. I could take you back to Drake and introduce you to 10 people who would kill to have the job you fucked away, and any one of them would be embarassed to admit they'd met you later. If I had done what you've done, I'd be looking for a new line of work too, cause I'd be embarassed to show my face to a radio person ever again.

Weeks passed. I got hired by the Kerry campaign and turned down the job with Primerica, but kept working at Wal Mart on weekends so I'll still have a job after the campaign. Weeks passed and I wasn't thinking about what J.P. said and falling into rage quite as often. Then, one day:

Act 2:

KL is cashiering, of course. TOTAL PRICK J.P. comes into his line. KL decides to let it go and hope he doesn't get recognized.

J.P. comes to the front of the line. KL quietly bags his groceries. J.P. takes a close look at KL. There's a good sized line of people behind him, within earshot.

J.P.: Heeeeey...I know you! You came to the meeting at Primerica! Why didn't you come back?
KL takes a deep breath, but can't hold it in.
KL: I'd be embarassed to admit to anyone that I work for a prick like you.
J.P. turns pale.

I love that story.

Vengeance concludes, I've gotta go back to work now.
This has been KL Snow.

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