Welcome to Insomniac Theater, I'm your Insomniac, KL Snow.
Tonight, I can't sleep, but with limited problems of my own to solve, I stepped into the problem of another, one Ryan. Ryan is in a bind. He has a speech to give at 8 am on family traditions. I know his family, half of it is my family too. So I wrote him a speech on our family's biggest tradition: drunkenness. The text of the speech follows:
From coast to coast, yes, all the way from Green Bay to Superior, families like mine exist. They get together on holidays and anniversaries, sometimes they get together just to celebrate the fact that they're all still together. And they all have one thing in common: the need for social lubricant.
Under normal conditions, hearing the same stories, laughing at the same jokes, and eating the same food would grow tiresome. And if it didn't, the genuine uneducated, grating nature of members of our own families would cause us to go mad and attempt murder with plastic silverware. Thankfully, to alleviate the problem, my family gatherings are stacked to the fucking gills with alcohol.
A family gettogether without a keg or a case is like a horse without an ass. Twelve ounce servings of tolerance turn a potentially hazardous situation into something you'll only remember parts of in the morning. And while the sober people will tell you the family gatherings are really about "togetherness and family unity," drinking with 3 generations of family around really means you'll never have to drive yourself home.
So crack open a beer and raise it now in toast to the saving grace of the family gettogether, alcohol. Just don't drink it all, you'll need alcohol again the next time they're coming over.
It'll probably fall short of the three minutes he needs to fill. But I think it's good work, given the circumstances.
This has been KL Snow.