Saturday, April 16, 2005

Ok, two thoughts for today, the first one will probably be funnier, because it's

An all new one act play by KL Snow!

Let's call this one "Not the Best Way To Handle This Problem."

KL and LAURA are at Sec Taylor Stadium (they call it Principal Park now, but I could care less) watching an I-Cubs game, and are a fair distance from the field, KL is keeping score with one hand and has the other arm around LAURA. CUBBIE is the I-Cubs mascot. He comes up the stairs and sits down on the other side of LAURA.

CUBBIE puts his arm around LAURA, in the process knocking KL's arm off of LAURA's shoulder.
KL tries his best to ignore the situation.
CUBBIE reaches out and waves his hand in front of KL to draw his attention, then motions for KL to move away from LAURA.
KL again tries to ignore it.
CUBBIE does it again. KL has seen enough.
KL (without looking away from the game): I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole.
KL discovers the older couple on his left is CUBBIE's aunt and uncle.

Ok, all of that is true except for what I said to CUBBIE. In reality, there was just a brief glare involved. Some things I've since considered as things I should've said:

a) "I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole."
b) "You can have her, she's a pain to cook for and clean up after."
c) "So what're your intentions with my sister?"

I don't like mascots much. I'm a bald guy (cue the mascot's attempt to shine my head), I'm usually watching the game pretty intently (cue mascot trying to distract me) and I go to a lot of games (cue massive quantity of opportunities to mess with me). The mascot at Cedar Rapids knows better. I'd like to throw Cubbie down the stairs.

SIDE NOTE: After the game, during the fireworks, the guy who was inside Cubbie came up to sit with his aunt and uncle. He came in from the other side, so I didn't notice him at first, but I heard his aunt ask "isn't it hot in that costume?" He was significantly creepy. I pointed out to Laura that she was flirting with that guy before. Good times.

And two.

I can tell it's getting late in the semester, and if you're wondering how I know, it's because I'm starting to worry about my grades. This semester it's an especially big deal, as I'm taking 17 credits, and to graduate in a month I need...17 credits. In hindsight, I wish I had tried a little harder to pass Marketing, which would've left me 14 credits short, and left some margin for error, but shit happens and now I'm wondering how I'm going to make this semester's miracle happen in these last few weeks.

While I don't really honestly know the ultimate answer to this problem, but I can tell you one part of it: Don't let your parents know there's a problem. Offer no hint of concern. To explain why, here's a little mini one act play, a fictional phone conversation with my dad:

DAD: So how's the Earth moving?
KL: Pretty good, all told. There's only a slight, insignificant chance that the sun may not rise tomorrow morning.
KL sets the phone down, then goes to his desk across the room and waits until his father screams himself hoarse before returning to the phone.

You see, I worry about things. I lose sleep over things. My father worries too. But he tends to believe he can fix the world by screaming. I tend to believe he'll bring about the end of the world with his screaming. It's a definite difference in philosophy.

But anyway, to keep him from worrying, I'm going to imply the Gold Star Technique. Remember in kindergarten, when you did a good job and got a gold star? Starting tomorrow, college works the same way. Need to hide a letter grade? Gold star. Need to hide a letter grade and a score? Make that two gold stars, and add a quote like "Now that's some good work." And if you fail the class anyway, you've got this line to fall back on:

"Well, I studied really hard, but I only got a green star on the final."

This has been KL Snow.

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