Tuesday, December 23, 2003

And then, all at once, boredom struck KL Snow. And therefore, having nothing else nearby to strike in the traditional "pass it on" fashion, and not quite being prepared to shave, he decided to update his Blog and then maybe write something for Snowbaseball.

The soundtrack for today's Blog update is the techno remix of Metallica - King Nothing.
(Not all blogs have soundtracks, but today mine does cause i'm trying to get Feliz Navidad out of my head. Thanks for that, Jess.)

The last couple days have been fun but a little weird...I went over 4 months without coming home and to a point I feel like absolutely nothing happened while I was gone. Everyone turned off their lights, some snow fell, and then I walked back through the door, turned the lights on, and everyone started moving again.

The Dance Dance is better at home, though. And not just a little better, either. Or maybe it's just cause I don't play it at 3 in the morning back in Des Moines, I dunno. But Morgan and I kicked ass in the overnight hours. It was fun to be able to hang out with the guys and just chill for a while. I know that's all I ever do in Des Moines but being able to pick up my habits and just travel with them and set them down in new scenery was nice.

One downside though, the homestarrunner jokes aren't nearly as funny here at home. It's a serious detriment to my ability to be funny.

The other downside to being home is that all my stress from Des Moines packed up and followed me too. I spent almost 4 hours on the phone last night and my big issue still isn't resolved. Oh, and btw - if by some odd occurance the people who tried to scam my dad concerning my student loans yesterday are reading this, pray for your soul. It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

(Soundtrack change: Metallica - Seek and Destroy)
((The soundtrack actually changed like 3 other times, but this time it changed right as I was between paragraphs.))

But I guess I should probably wrap it up here, to keep my blog from becoming a bnovel or a bmultivolumeseries or just really blong. Take care, don't let the man get you down, and stuff like that.

No, wait, I can't stop now until I get this new idea on paper. Some friends of mine at home insist Santa is a wraith. A wraith is, to the best of my ability to explain it, an undead creature with ghostlike features.

Now, let's go over what we know about Santa Claus:
He watches out for goodness and rewards it with capitalist gains (i.e. presents) on Christmas or Christmas Eve or some other time. If your family celebrates Christmas at some weird time, like my family for instance celebrating Christmas the Saturday after, it's not that your family is weird, it's that Santa Claus used his wraithly powers to trick them into doing so to even out his workload over a longer period of time. Apparently this process starts in October, as Will begins receiving gifts at this time cause he's an exceptionally good boy...or something. But NO, this does not cover Christmas in July. You people who do that are just exceptionally screwed up. This year Santa Claus was nice enough to simply drop by my bank and make a deposit so I could pay my bills. I'd imagine that saves him time too cause he can probably do that on his computer from the Pole.

But aaaaaaaaanyway, now that we've got that randomness out of the way...no, wait, we're not quite done with Santa Claus yet. One more possible theory that explains the existence of Santa Claus AND the fact that we buy presents for each other. Someone (and I'd credit you if I remembered who you were) reminded me of the legend yesterday that the reindeer can fly cause they eat magic corn. Now i've heard of other magical foods, such as magic brownies, and as a matter of fact I've known some sorcerers in the past who have been so kind as to tell me what's actually in magic brownies. So if you doubt the existence of Santa Claus, I'd like you to try a little experiment for me.

Develop a deep love for all the world's good little boys and girls. (Not that kind of love, pervert.)
Decide you're going to bring them all a present in one night.
Eat some magic corn.

Here's what I think actually happens.
Santa Claus eats a lot of magic corn on like the 21st of December.
Santa Claus commissions "elves," who reside directly between the snakes and the snails, to make lots of toys for all the good little girls and boys.
On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a bunch more magic corn and goes on a "journey" to deliver all these gifts.
On Christmas morning, Santa wakes up on the floor wearing some really weird stuff he doesn't remember putting on and in a puddle he doesn't remember making.
He spends the rest of the year cleaning up the mess he made, doing things like getting Mrs. Claus' panties back from up in the rafters and fixing the hole he made in the floor when he fell climbing up there in the first place.

New side rant: Doesn't Mrs. Claus have a first name? It seems so...sexist that we know all about Santa Claus but know nothing about Mrs. Claus, not even her first name. I think we need to establish her first name. Give me some ideas.

(Soundtrack change: Disturbed - Down With The Sickness)
(Soundtrack change: Trapt - Headstrong)

OK: Back to argument #1. Santa Claus spends all year rewarding goodness and really doing little to punish evil aside from delivering them coal.

Then we have the Spectre. The Spectre is similarly wraithlike, he's God's wrath tied to a mortal soul.

(It's 3:47 and it's getting dark and it's making me sleepy. I got up at 1. How can people live here?)

Anyway, the Spectre operates on the opposite of Santa's principles. He essentially ignores goodness and punishes evil with exceptional harshness and brutality, then he banishes it to hell. So essentially, the Spectre and Santa Claus balance each other out, but if Santa Claus really is just chillin at the North Pole, eating magic corn and thinking he brings Christmas to the world, is the Spectre just chilling on the south pole doing something similar? Concept to ponder, that's for sure.

Rant concludes. This has been KL Snow.

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