Ok, pre-warning: I'm angry.
Y'know why I stay in politics?
Cause people like this need to be stopped at any cost.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Ok, another All New One Act Play by KL Snow!
This one is titled "Not the Best Way to Handle This Situation, Volume 2"
Situation: KL is at the Media Center, has been for 2 1/2 hours, and has only heard footsteps in the hallway one time. In the meantime, the Braves and Phillies are tied 0-0, in the bottom of the ninth inning. Three attempts to watch the game online via different means have failed. The following events ensue.
KL checks the score one last time, finds it is now the top of the 10th.
KL shuts down the computer, locks the doors, and leaves.
KL attempts to call Ryan for some interim play-by-play, no luck.
KL reaches in his pocket, finds the keys and puts them in the mailbox.
KL walks the full length of FAC, and down a flight of stairs.
While walking, KL talks to himself, wondering who else he can call for play by play. KL turns a corner and nearly runs over a frightened looking girl.
KL reaches in his pocket for his car keys, finds the media center keys.
KL returns to the mailbox, retrieves his car keys, replaces media center keys.
KL walks the full length of FAC again.
KL drives home, and finds the Braves scored while he was gone.
KL curses loudly.
Phillies scored 2 in the bottom of the 10th to win it 2-1, at least I got to see that.
This has been KL Snow.
This one is titled "Not the Best Way to Handle This Situation, Volume 2"
Situation: KL is at the Media Center, has been for 2 1/2 hours, and has only heard footsteps in the hallway one time. In the meantime, the Braves and Phillies are tied 0-0, in the bottom of the ninth inning. Three attempts to watch the game online via different means have failed. The following events ensue.
KL checks the score one last time, finds it is now the top of the 10th.
KL shuts down the computer, locks the doors, and leaves.
KL attempts to call Ryan for some interim play-by-play, no luck.
KL reaches in his pocket, finds the keys and puts them in the mailbox.
KL walks the full length of FAC, and down a flight of stairs.
While walking, KL talks to himself, wondering who else he can call for play by play. KL turns a corner and nearly runs over a frightened looking girl.
KL reaches in his pocket for his car keys, finds the media center keys.
KL returns to the mailbox, retrieves his car keys, replaces media center keys.
KL walks the full length of FAC again.
KL drives home, and finds the Braves scored while he was gone.
KL curses loudly.
Phillies scored 2 in the bottom of the 10th to win it 2-1, at least I got to see that.
This has been KL Snow.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Ok, two thoughts for today, the first one will probably be funnier, because it's
An all new one act play by KL Snow!
Let's call this one "Not the Best Way To Handle This Problem."
KL and LAURA are at Sec Taylor Stadium (they call it Principal Park now, but I could care less) watching an I-Cubs game, and are a fair distance from the field, KL is keeping score with one hand and has the other arm around LAURA. CUBBIE is the I-Cubs mascot. He comes up the stairs and sits down on the other side of LAURA.
CUBBIE puts his arm around LAURA, in the process knocking KL's arm off of LAURA's shoulder.
KL tries his best to ignore the situation.
CUBBIE reaches out and waves his hand in front of KL to draw his attention, then motions for KL to move away from LAURA.
KL again tries to ignore it.
CUBBIE does it again. KL has seen enough.
KL (without looking away from the game): I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole.
KL discovers the older couple on his left is CUBBIE's aunt and uncle.
Ok, all of that is true except for what I said to CUBBIE. In reality, there was just a brief glare involved. Some things I've since considered as things I should've said:
a) "I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole."
b) "You can have her, she's a pain to cook for and clean up after."
c) "So what're your intentions with my sister?"
I don't like mascots much. I'm a bald guy (cue the mascot's attempt to shine my head), I'm usually watching the game pretty intently (cue mascot trying to distract me) and I go to a lot of games (cue massive quantity of opportunities to mess with me). The mascot at Cedar Rapids knows better. I'd like to throw Cubbie down the stairs.
SIDE NOTE: After the game, during the fireworks, the guy who was inside Cubbie came up to sit with his aunt and uncle. He came in from the other side, so I didn't notice him at first, but I heard his aunt ask "isn't it hot in that costume?" He was significantly creepy. I pointed out to Laura that she was flirting with that guy before. Good times.
And now...page two.
I can tell it's getting late in the semester, and if you're wondering how I know, it's because I'm starting to worry about my grades. This semester it's an especially big deal, as I'm taking 17 credits, and to graduate in a month I need...17 credits. In hindsight, I wish I had tried a little harder to pass Marketing, which would've left me 14 credits short, and left some margin for error, but shit happens and now I'm wondering how I'm going to make this semester's miracle happen in these last few weeks.
While I don't really honestly know the ultimate answer to this problem, but I can tell you one part of it: Don't let your parents know there's a problem. Offer no hint of concern. To explain why, here's a little mini one act play, a fictional phone conversation with my dad:
DAD: So how's the Earth moving?
KL: Pretty good, all told. There's only a slight, insignificant chance that the sun may not rise tomorrow morning.
DAD: A CHANCE?
KL sets the phone down, then goes to his desk across the room and waits until his father screams himself hoarse before returning to the phone.
You see, I worry about things. I lose sleep over things. My father worries too. But he tends to believe he can fix the world by screaming. I tend to believe he'll bring about the end of the world with his screaming. It's a definite difference in philosophy.
But anyway, to keep him from worrying, I'm going to imply the Gold Star Technique. Remember in kindergarten, when you did a good job and got a gold star? Starting tomorrow, college works the same way. Need to hide a letter grade? Gold star. Need to hide a letter grade and a score? Make that two gold stars, and add a quote like "Now that's some good work." And if you fail the class anyway, you've got this line to fall back on:
"Well, I studied really hard, but I only got a green star on the final."
This has been KL Snow.
An all new one act play by KL Snow!
Let's call this one "Not the Best Way To Handle This Problem."
KL and LAURA are at Sec Taylor Stadium (they call it Principal Park now, but I could care less) watching an I-Cubs game, and are a fair distance from the field, KL is keeping score with one hand and has the other arm around LAURA. CUBBIE is the I-Cubs mascot. He comes up the stairs and sits down on the other side of LAURA.
CUBBIE puts his arm around LAURA, in the process knocking KL's arm off of LAURA's shoulder.
KL tries his best to ignore the situation.
CUBBIE reaches out and waves his hand in front of KL to draw his attention, then motions for KL to move away from LAURA.
KL again tries to ignore it.
CUBBIE does it again. KL has seen enough.
KL (without looking away from the game): I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole.
KL discovers the older couple on his left is CUBBIE's aunt and uncle.
Ok, all of that is true except for what I said to CUBBIE. In reality, there was just a brief glare involved. Some things I've since considered as things I should've said:
a) "I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole."
b) "You can have her, she's a pain to cook for and clean up after."
c) "So what're your intentions with my sister?"
I don't like mascots much. I'm a bald guy (cue the mascot's attempt to shine my head), I'm usually watching the game pretty intently (cue mascot trying to distract me) and I go to a lot of games (cue massive quantity of opportunities to mess with me). The mascot at Cedar Rapids knows better. I'd like to throw Cubbie down the stairs.
SIDE NOTE: After the game, during the fireworks, the guy who was inside Cubbie came up to sit with his aunt and uncle. He came in from the other side, so I didn't notice him at first, but I heard his aunt ask "isn't it hot in that costume?" He was significantly creepy. I pointed out to Laura that she was flirting with that guy before. Good times.
And now...page two.
I can tell it's getting late in the semester, and if you're wondering how I know, it's because I'm starting to worry about my grades. This semester it's an especially big deal, as I'm taking 17 credits, and to graduate in a month I need...17 credits. In hindsight, I wish I had tried a little harder to pass Marketing, which would've left me 14 credits short, and left some margin for error, but shit happens and now I'm wondering how I'm going to make this semester's miracle happen in these last few weeks.
While I don't really honestly know the ultimate answer to this problem, but I can tell you one part of it: Don't let your parents know there's a problem. Offer no hint of concern. To explain why, here's a little mini one act play, a fictional phone conversation with my dad:
DAD: So how's the Earth moving?
KL: Pretty good, all told. There's only a slight, insignificant chance that the sun may not rise tomorrow morning.
DAD: A CHANCE?
KL sets the phone down, then goes to his desk across the room and waits until his father screams himself hoarse before returning to the phone.
You see, I worry about things. I lose sleep over things. My father worries too. But he tends to believe he can fix the world by screaming. I tend to believe he'll bring about the end of the world with his screaming. It's a definite difference in philosophy.
But anyway, to keep him from worrying, I'm going to imply the Gold Star Technique. Remember in kindergarten, when you did a good job and got a gold star? Starting tomorrow, college works the same way. Need to hide a letter grade? Gold star. Need to hide a letter grade and a score? Make that two gold stars, and add a quote like "Now that's some good work." And if you fail the class anyway, you've got this line to fall back on:
"Well, I studied really hard, but I only got a green star on the final."
This has been KL Snow.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Welcome to Insomniac Theater, I'm your Insomniac, KL Snow.
Tonight, I can't sleep, but with limited problems of my own to solve, I stepped into the problem of another, one Ryan. Ryan is in a bind. He has a speech to give at 8 am on family traditions. I know his family, half of it is my family too. So I wrote him a speech on our family's biggest tradition: drunkenness. The text of the speech follows:
From coast to coast, yes, all the way from Green Bay to Superior, families like mine exist. They get together on holidays and anniversaries, sometimes they get together just to celebrate the fact that they're all still together. And they all have one thing in common: the need for social lubricant.
Under normal conditions, hearing the same stories, laughing at the same jokes, and eating the same food would grow tiresome. And if it didn't, the genuine uneducated, grating nature of members of our own families would cause us to go mad and attempt murder with plastic silverware. Thankfully, to alleviate the problem, my family gatherings are stacked to the fucking gills with alcohol.
A family gettogether without a keg or a case is like a horse without an ass. Twelve ounce servings of tolerance turn a potentially hazardous situation into something you'll only remember parts of in the morning. And while the sober people will tell you the family gatherings are really about "togetherness and family unity," drinking with 3 generations of family around really means you'll never have to drive yourself home.
So crack open a beer and raise it now in toast to the saving grace of the family gettogether, alcohol. Just don't drink it all, you'll need alcohol again the next time they're coming over.
It'll probably fall short of the three minutes he needs to fill. But I think it's good work, given the circumstances.
This has been KL Snow.
Tonight, I can't sleep, but with limited problems of my own to solve, I stepped into the problem of another, one Ryan. Ryan is in a bind. He has a speech to give at 8 am on family traditions. I know his family, half of it is my family too. So I wrote him a speech on our family's biggest tradition: drunkenness. The text of the speech follows:
From coast to coast, yes, all the way from Green Bay to Superior, families like mine exist. They get together on holidays and anniversaries, sometimes they get together just to celebrate the fact that they're all still together. And they all have one thing in common: the need for social lubricant.
Under normal conditions, hearing the same stories, laughing at the same jokes, and eating the same food would grow tiresome. And if it didn't, the genuine uneducated, grating nature of members of our own families would cause us to go mad and attempt murder with plastic silverware. Thankfully, to alleviate the problem, my family gatherings are stacked to the fucking gills with alcohol.
A family gettogether without a keg or a case is like a horse without an ass. Twelve ounce servings of tolerance turn a potentially hazardous situation into something you'll only remember parts of in the morning. And while the sober people will tell you the family gatherings are really about "togetherness and family unity," drinking with 3 generations of family around really means you'll never have to drive yourself home.
So crack open a beer and raise it now in toast to the saving grace of the family gettogether, alcohol. Just don't drink it all, you'll need alcohol again the next time they're coming over.
It'll probably fall short of the three minutes he needs to fill. But I think it's good work, given the circumstances.
This has been KL Snow.
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