Ok, it's been a while, and I do have some stories to tell, but before that...

It's an all new one act play by KL Snow!

I'm titling this one, which I don't always do, but let's call this one, "So what am I eating now?"

KL SNOW is at IMPERIAL GARDEN enjoying...well, maybe not enjoying...partaking in a Chinese buffet. He's seated near the front counter. The phone rings and WAITRESS comes over to answer it. A brief conversation ensues, followed by this moment:

WAITRESS (on phone): No, there's no meat in there, it's just onions and green onions, mixed when brown sauce, and then we mix in the beef.
KL stops chewing for a moment.

I'm pretty sure Ryan will agree with me in calling that a "If it weren't for my horse" moment.

Anyway, back to recent happenings. Finals came and went, nothing tremendously noteworthy occured, we're hoping for passing grades in all 6 classes, at least 2 of which are still in doubt. But it's too close to call. So we're not going to talk about that. I just ate.

Worked through the weekend and then, Monday morning I departed for Wisconsin for Christmas. Someone told me the other day that my drive back to Wisconsin (5-6 hours depending on traffic and my own personal sense of urgency) is too long, and I gave them my standard response:

"This summer I drove 1400 miles to Montana, and back, in the same week. After that, any trip where I leave and get where I'm going in the same day feels short."

I hate it when lines like that come back to bite me in the ass.

It snowed in Wisconsin on Monday. A lot. That really probably shouldn't surprise most of you. Actually, it didn't surprise me a whole lot either. I've been driving in snow for a long time, I'm pretty confident in my ability to do it. I am not nearly as confident, however, in the talents of other asshats who think they can drive in the snow.

CASE 1: Semis have no fear.
As a full time Wisconsin resident, I used to hunt a fair amount, primarily for deer. At the risk of grossing some out, I will give you a base understanding of how the process of removing a dead deer from the woods works.

STEP 1: Shoot deer. Sometimes more than once. If you don't do this right, the rest of the process is much harder.
STEP 2: Find deer, remove guts. Leave gut pile in woods. I'm sure something will eat it...not something I'd ever want to encounter/kiss though.
STEP 3: Find a friend (hopefully), enlist help in dragging dead deer to a vehicle of some form, preferably not a bicycle. Dragging a dead deer will sometimes cause you to leave a trail of blood behind you. It won't draw sharks, don't worry about it.

Anyway, now that you understand the process, here's the point. I used to wonder how other deer could walk through the same place, see a pile of entrails and trail of blood, and not think "this probably isn't a safe place." Semis in the snow operate on the same concept. On I-90, I drove past a semi which was jacknifed, tipped over on its side, and had its trailer bent in half. It's probably the most vehicular carnage I've ever seen in person. Not 30 seconds after driving past this, a semi went shooting past me in the fast lane, driving at least 20 mph faster than I was, in treacherous conditions.
PERSONAL IMPACT: Thankfully none to me, but I'm sure some more asshats held up traffic in other places cause they couldn't understand the concept of ice and how it impacts a several-ton, nonflexible projectile.

CASE 2: Snow distraction
Snow will cause some morons who aren't paying attention to take things which would normally worry them for granted. Like, for example, looking to make sure they won't hit anyone before they change lanes. Here's a step by step of this one:

STEP 1: KL is driving in the outside lane, going a solid 45 mph, only slightly too fast for conditions.
STEP 2: Asshat pulls up alongside KL, decides to change lanes, fails to notice KL is there.
STEP 3: KL swerves and honks horn.
STEP 4: KL catches shoulder of the road on the right side, causing his car to spin into and across traffic to the left side of the road, where it momentarily rights itself.
STEP 5: Thinking all is well, KL attempts to merge back into traffic, only to have the car's momentum catch up with him and spin him back across traffic into the ditch on the far side, where he strikes a cement culvert, which sounds bad, but really was a good thing, cause if he had missed the culvert by 6 inches on either side, he'd have ended up in a pond.
STEP 6: Asshat drives away unharmed.

To make a long story short, I called 911, waited almost 2 hours for a state trooper, and had to spend the night in Tomah, WI waiting for a tow truck to come pull me out, then finish my trip to Wisconsin Rapids in the morning. So, to bring it back full circle:

"After that, any trip where I leave and get where I'm going in the same day feels short."

It was a long trip.

This has been KL Snow.

The Sandwich Saga, Part 2

My ham sandwich, however, would not be a true superbeing if it did not search for enemies, find none, but have its followers find enemies for it anyway.

I've found fried chicken. You see, I ate fried chicken once and got violently ill. I've never really fully recovered. So it must in fact be the chicken that is evil.

Thank you, oh ham sandwich, for protecting me from the temptation of the fried chicken. I know it will be hard, but I also know you'll be there with me, because you're still several legs of evolution away from being able to climb out of my pocket.

The Sandwich Saga, Part 1:

In the absence of a God to handle all my cares, worries and concerns, I've decided to make a ham sandwich. That ham sandwich can be my personal scapegoat:

"It didn't work out because it wasn't the ham sandwich's will."

An empowerment:

"I felt weak, but then I realized the ham sandiwich was with me."

And my comfort:

"The ham sandwich will make it all work out."

It's a very liberating ham sandwich. And I'll go to war with you if you question it.