A Stupidity Timeline
by KL Snow
Wednesday, early afternoon: KL is struggling through the afternoon of the third consecutive "canvass all morning, office all afternoon" weekday. These days aren't that bad when I have something to do to prevent boredom from killing me in the afternoon. On this particular day, I'm helping Leonard search for a dead possum in our air ducts. Everyone knows someone like Leonard. Leonard is harsh, abrasive, knows everything, verbally abuses everyone, and is only kept alive because sometimes you need someone to get a dead possum out of your air ducts. Actually, most people probably never need a dead possum removed from their airducts. So why do we leave the Leonards of the world alive? The jury is out.
Wednesday, mid afternoon: KL gets an e-mail from, of all people, his former pirate crew. The e-mail is to inform him of an upcoming pirate "wedding," between two former crewmates. KL knows the girl well, and knows the guy a little bit. He has forgotten, however, how dedicated full-time pirates are to their game and the attached life.
Wednesday, late afternoon: KL leaves work and comes home, and decides to re-subscribe and play some pirates, if for no other reason than to talk to the girl he used to know. KL gets immediately sucked into the politics of the game again.
Wednesday, 11 pm: KL hasn't left his computer since late afternoon. He calls it a night. He's expressed his interest in talking to the bride a couple of times, and assumes someone will let her know at some point.
Thursday morning: KL is given the morning off from canvassing, and plays Pirates for 4 more hours. Still no bride. Rumors had been started that KL had come back to "interfere" with the wedding. KL assures the groom that his intentions are not nearly that malicious.
Thursday afternoon: Work.
Thursday evening: KL goes out to a bar to meet a political group, has too much to drink.
Late Thursday evening: KL comes home drunk, turns on Pirates and is confronted by his former captain, asking why he wants to talk to the bride. The former captain appears jealous, angry, and all in all grumpy. Few words are exchanged, and being mildly tipsy, KL leaves her to judge him by herself.
Friday afternoon: Work.
Friday evening: KL goes online briefly and in confronted with a fabricated "chat log" produced by his former captain, detailing his intentions to ruin the wedding, steal the bride, and use her as his second girlfriend. Less than 3 full days after returning, KL is forced to leave his crew. He joins a new crew, sails for a little while, then turns the game off, and uninstalls it.
Today, I can't help but feel like that whole process, from Wednesday to last night, was just tremendously stupid. I've got considerably bigger fish to fry.
I'd like to hope "stupidity concludes."
This has been KL Snow.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Ok, it's time for another rant about a crappily made video game. Ready?
I signed up to beta test Ultimate Baseball Online a long time ago. The idea was simple: A massive online multiplayer baseball game where you take one player of approximately low skill level, play games, level him up and get him to the big leagues. I like that concept.
Apparently the project has died and been restarted several times, most recently under the tutelage of ESPN, who is now offering the game, in another "beta test" phase, for free. I was excited. I downloaded. I drank the kool aid.
I installed the game this afternoon while listening to the Brewer game. Then, in the middle of the Brewer game, it locked up my computer. I've considered killing for less.
So I waited until late tonight, when nothing else was distracting me, to try it again. I was still excited, until I actually started playing. Here's what I found.
Step 1: The graphics blow. Imagine if, all of a sudden, instead of connecting to your bones, your muscles connected to some point infinitely distant in the sky. Imagine how hard it would be to see the world around you if everyone's muscles did that.
Step 2: My "fully customizable player" was, in fact, 1% customizable. I named him. I told the game he's a pitcher. The game then assigned him lots of non-adjustable skill levels, decided what pitches he throws (12 of them, in fact), and, of course, the game still decided to make him completely impossible to view, graphically, since his "stretched to infinite" muscles hid all notable physical features.
Step 3: I decided to try a game. The lineups were also non-adjustable, so as a pitcher, I would've been due up first, that's right, a leadoff hitting pitcher. Maybe they were impressed by my muscles. It would've been impossible to not hit me with a pitch.
First, though, I had to pitch through the top of the first. The following sequence occured.
GAMEOVER steps to the plate.
KLSnow throws a strike over the inside corner.
The catcher throws the ball back, but KLSnow can't see it and blows the catch 3 straight times. KLSnow's defense grows restless.
KLSnow throws a strike over the outside corner.
GAMEOVER: "Dood, throw it over the middle."
KLSnow thinks that's poor advice.
KLSnow throws GAMEOVER a slider that looks like a fastball over the middle, but breaks away. Strike 3.
GAMEOVER: "Fine, I'm gonna pitch hard to you too."
KLSnow thought that's how baseball is played.
KLSnow blows a couple more relay throws.
The next hitter steps up. KLSnow throws him a fastball over the middle. The hitter hacks and misses.
KLSnow blows the relay throw, and tries to find the button to talk to his teammates to explain his problem seeing the ball.
After trying lots of combinations of buttons to talk to his teammates, KLSnow hits escape, and sees "Are you sure you want to quit?"
KLSnow has never been more sure of anything in his life.
In 5 minutes I had a poor experience with the game's graphics, it's non-customizable nature, its gameplay, and of course the kind of people who would play a massively multiplayer online baseball game. I'm glad I didn't pay for this. Immediately after quitting, I uninstalled it. The only thing that makes this experience better than Donkey Konga is the fact that no money changed hands.
This has been KL Snow.
I signed up to beta test Ultimate Baseball Online a long time ago. The idea was simple: A massive online multiplayer baseball game where you take one player of approximately low skill level, play games, level him up and get him to the big leagues. I like that concept.
Apparently the project has died and been restarted several times, most recently under the tutelage of ESPN, who is now offering the game, in another "beta test" phase, for free. I was excited. I downloaded. I drank the kool aid.
I installed the game this afternoon while listening to the Brewer game. Then, in the middle of the Brewer game, it locked up my computer. I've considered killing for less.
So I waited until late tonight, when nothing else was distracting me, to try it again. I was still excited, until I actually started playing. Here's what I found.
Step 1: The graphics blow. Imagine if, all of a sudden, instead of connecting to your bones, your muscles connected to some point infinitely distant in the sky. Imagine how hard it would be to see the world around you if everyone's muscles did that.
Step 2: My "fully customizable player" was, in fact, 1% customizable. I named him. I told the game he's a pitcher. The game then assigned him lots of non-adjustable skill levels, decided what pitches he throws (12 of them, in fact), and, of course, the game still decided to make him completely impossible to view, graphically, since his "stretched to infinite" muscles hid all notable physical features.
Step 3: I decided to try a game. The lineups were also non-adjustable, so as a pitcher, I would've been due up first, that's right, a leadoff hitting pitcher. Maybe they were impressed by my muscles. It would've been impossible to not hit me with a pitch.
First, though, I had to pitch through the top of the first. The following sequence occured.
GAMEOVER steps to the plate.
KLSnow throws a strike over the inside corner.
The catcher throws the ball back, but KLSnow can't see it and blows the catch 3 straight times. KLSnow's defense grows restless.
KLSnow throws a strike over the outside corner.
GAMEOVER: "Dood, throw it over the middle."
KLSnow thinks that's poor advice.
KLSnow throws GAMEOVER a slider that looks like a fastball over the middle, but breaks away. Strike 3.
GAMEOVER: "Fine, I'm gonna pitch hard to you too."
KLSnow thought that's how baseball is played.
KLSnow blows a couple more relay throws.
The next hitter steps up. KLSnow throws him a fastball over the middle. The hitter hacks and misses.
KLSnow blows the relay throw, and tries to find the button to talk to his teammates to explain his problem seeing the ball.
After trying lots of combinations of buttons to talk to his teammates, KLSnow hits escape, and sees "Are you sure you want to quit?"
KLSnow has never been more sure of anything in his life.
In 5 minutes I had a poor experience with the game's graphics, it's non-customizable nature, its gameplay, and of course the kind of people who would play a massively multiplayer online baseball game. I'm glad I didn't pay for this. Immediately after quitting, I uninstalled it. The only thing that makes this experience better than Donkey Konga is the fact that no money changed hands.
This has been KL Snow.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Ok, pre-warning: I'm angry.
Y'know why I stay in politics?
Cause people like this need to be stopped at any cost.
Y'know why I stay in politics?
Cause people like this need to be stopped at any cost.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Ok, another All New One Act Play by KL Snow!
This one is titled "Not the Best Way to Handle This Situation, Volume 2"
Situation: KL is at the Media Center, has been for 2 1/2 hours, and has only heard footsteps in the hallway one time. In the meantime, the Braves and Phillies are tied 0-0, in the bottom of the ninth inning. Three attempts to watch the game online via different means have failed. The following events ensue.
KL checks the score one last time, finds it is now the top of the 10th.
KL shuts down the computer, locks the doors, and leaves.
KL attempts to call Ryan for some interim play-by-play, no luck.
KL reaches in his pocket, finds the keys and puts them in the mailbox.
KL walks the full length of FAC, and down a flight of stairs.
While walking, KL talks to himself, wondering who else he can call for play by play. KL turns a corner and nearly runs over a frightened looking girl.
KL reaches in his pocket for his car keys, finds the media center keys.
KL returns to the mailbox, retrieves his car keys, replaces media center keys.
KL walks the full length of FAC again.
KL drives home, and finds the Braves scored while he was gone.
KL curses loudly.
Phillies scored 2 in the bottom of the 10th to win it 2-1, at least I got to see that.
This has been KL Snow.
This one is titled "Not the Best Way to Handle This Situation, Volume 2"
Situation: KL is at the Media Center, has been for 2 1/2 hours, and has only heard footsteps in the hallway one time. In the meantime, the Braves and Phillies are tied 0-0, in the bottom of the ninth inning. Three attempts to watch the game online via different means have failed. The following events ensue.
KL checks the score one last time, finds it is now the top of the 10th.
KL shuts down the computer, locks the doors, and leaves.
KL attempts to call Ryan for some interim play-by-play, no luck.
KL reaches in his pocket, finds the keys and puts them in the mailbox.
KL walks the full length of FAC, and down a flight of stairs.
While walking, KL talks to himself, wondering who else he can call for play by play. KL turns a corner and nearly runs over a frightened looking girl.
KL reaches in his pocket for his car keys, finds the media center keys.
KL returns to the mailbox, retrieves his car keys, replaces media center keys.
KL walks the full length of FAC again.
KL drives home, and finds the Braves scored while he was gone.
KL curses loudly.
Phillies scored 2 in the bottom of the 10th to win it 2-1, at least I got to see that.
This has been KL Snow.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Ok, two thoughts for today, the first one will probably be funnier, because it's
An all new one act play by KL Snow!
Let's call this one "Not the Best Way To Handle This Problem."
KL and LAURA are at Sec Taylor Stadium (they call it Principal Park now, but I could care less) watching an I-Cubs game, and are a fair distance from the field, KL is keeping score with one hand and has the other arm around LAURA. CUBBIE is the I-Cubs mascot. He comes up the stairs and sits down on the other side of LAURA.
CUBBIE puts his arm around LAURA, in the process knocking KL's arm off of LAURA's shoulder.
KL tries his best to ignore the situation.
CUBBIE reaches out and waves his hand in front of KL to draw his attention, then motions for KL to move away from LAURA.
KL again tries to ignore it.
CUBBIE does it again. KL has seen enough.
KL (without looking away from the game): I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole.
KL discovers the older couple on his left is CUBBIE's aunt and uncle.
Ok, all of that is true except for what I said to CUBBIE. In reality, there was just a brief glare involved. Some things I've since considered as things I should've said:
a) "I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole."
b) "You can have her, she's a pain to cook for and clean up after."
c) "So what're your intentions with my sister?"
I don't like mascots much. I'm a bald guy (cue the mascot's attempt to shine my head), I'm usually watching the game pretty intently (cue mascot trying to distract me) and I go to a lot of games (cue massive quantity of opportunities to mess with me). The mascot at Cedar Rapids knows better. I'd like to throw Cubbie down the stairs.
SIDE NOTE: After the game, during the fireworks, the guy who was inside Cubbie came up to sit with his aunt and uncle. He came in from the other side, so I didn't notice him at first, but I heard his aunt ask "isn't it hot in that costume?" He was significantly creepy. I pointed out to Laura that she was flirting with that guy before. Good times.
And now...page two.
I can tell it's getting late in the semester, and if you're wondering how I know, it's because I'm starting to worry about my grades. This semester it's an especially big deal, as I'm taking 17 credits, and to graduate in a month I need...17 credits. In hindsight, I wish I had tried a little harder to pass Marketing, which would've left me 14 credits short, and left some margin for error, but shit happens and now I'm wondering how I'm going to make this semester's miracle happen in these last few weeks.
While I don't really honestly know the ultimate answer to this problem, but I can tell you one part of it: Don't let your parents know there's a problem. Offer no hint of concern. To explain why, here's a little mini one act play, a fictional phone conversation with my dad:
DAD: So how's the Earth moving?
KL: Pretty good, all told. There's only a slight, insignificant chance that the sun may not rise tomorrow morning.
DAD: A CHANCE?
KL sets the phone down, then goes to his desk across the room and waits until his father screams himself hoarse before returning to the phone.
You see, I worry about things. I lose sleep over things. My father worries too. But he tends to believe he can fix the world by screaming. I tend to believe he'll bring about the end of the world with his screaming. It's a definite difference in philosophy.
But anyway, to keep him from worrying, I'm going to imply the Gold Star Technique. Remember in kindergarten, when you did a good job and got a gold star? Starting tomorrow, college works the same way. Need to hide a letter grade? Gold star. Need to hide a letter grade and a score? Make that two gold stars, and add a quote like "Now that's some good work." And if you fail the class anyway, you've got this line to fall back on:
"Well, I studied really hard, but I only got a green star on the final."
This has been KL Snow.
An all new one act play by KL Snow!
Let's call this one "Not the Best Way To Handle This Problem."
KL and LAURA are at Sec Taylor Stadium (they call it Principal Park now, but I could care less) watching an I-Cubs game, and are a fair distance from the field, KL is keeping score with one hand and has the other arm around LAURA. CUBBIE is the I-Cubs mascot. He comes up the stairs and sits down on the other side of LAURA.
CUBBIE puts his arm around LAURA, in the process knocking KL's arm off of LAURA's shoulder.
KL tries his best to ignore the situation.
CUBBIE reaches out and waves his hand in front of KL to draw his attention, then motions for KL to move away from LAURA.
KL again tries to ignore it.
CUBBIE does it again. KL has seen enough.
KL (without looking away from the game): I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole.
KL discovers the older couple on his left is CUBBIE's aunt and uncle.
Ok, all of that is true except for what I said to CUBBIE. In reality, there was just a brief glare involved. Some things I've since considered as things I should've said:
a) "I can hurt you in ways you can only imagine, asshole."
b) "You can have her, she's a pain to cook for and clean up after."
c) "So what're your intentions with my sister?"
I don't like mascots much. I'm a bald guy (cue the mascot's attempt to shine my head), I'm usually watching the game pretty intently (cue mascot trying to distract me) and I go to a lot of games (cue massive quantity of opportunities to mess with me). The mascot at Cedar Rapids knows better. I'd like to throw Cubbie down the stairs.
SIDE NOTE: After the game, during the fireworks, the guy who was inside Cubbie came up to sit with his aunt and uncle. He came in from the other side, so I didn't notice him at first, but I heard his aunt ask "isn't it hot in that costume?" He was significantly creepy. I pointed out to Laura that she was flirting with that guy before. Good times.
And now...page two.
I can tell it's getting late in the semester, and if you're wondering how I know, it's because I'm starting to worry about my grades. This semester it's an especially big deal, as I'm taking 17 credits, and to graduate in a month I need...17 credits. In hindsight, I wish I had tried a little harder to pass Marketing, which would've left me 14 credits short, and left some margin for error, but shit happens and now I'm wondering how I'm going to make this semester's miracle happen in these last few weeks.
While I don't really honestly know the ultimate answer to this problem, but I can tell you one part of it: Don't let your parents know there's a problem. Offer no hint of concern. To explain why, here's a little mini one act play, a fictional phone conversation with my dad:
DAD: So how's the Earth moving?
KL: Pretty good, all told. There's only a slight, insignificant chance that the sun may not rise tomorrow morning.
DAD: A CHANCE?
KL sets the phone down, then goes to his desk across the room and waits until his father screams himself hoarse before returning to the phone.
You see, I worry about things. I lose sleep over things. My father worries too. But he tends to believe he can fix the world by screaming. I tend to believe he'll bring about the end of the world with his screaming. It's a definite difference in philosophy.
But anyway, to keep him from worrying, I'm going to imply the Gold Star Technique. Remember in kindergarten, when you did a good job and got a gold star? Starting tomorrow, college works the same way. Need to hide a letter grade? Gold star. Need to hide a letter grade and a score? Make that two gold stars, and add a quote like "Now that's some good work." And if you fail the class anyway, you've got this line to fall back on:
"Well, I studied really hard, but I only got a green star on the final."
This has been KL Snow.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Welcome to Insomniac Theater, I'm your Insomniac, KL Snow.
Tonight, I can't sleep, but with limited problems of my own to solve, I stepped into the problem of another, one Ryan. Ryan is in a bind. He has a speech to give at 8 am on family traditions. I know his family, half of it is my family too. So I wrote him a speech on our family's biggest tradition: drunkenness. The text of the speech follows:
From coast to coast, yes, all the way from Green Bay to Superior, families like mine exist. They get together on holidays and anniversaries, sometimes they get together just to celebrate the fact that they're all still together. And they all have one thing in common: the need for social lubricant.
Under normal conditions, hearing the same stories, laughing at the same jokes, and eating the same food would grow tiresome. And if it didn't, the genuine uneducated, grating nature of members of our own families would cause us to go mad and attempt murder with plastic silverware. Thankfully, to alleviate the problem, my family gatherings are stacked to the fucking gills with alcohol.
A family gettogether without a keg or a case is like a horse without an ass. Twelve ounce servings of tolerance turn a potentially hazardous situation into something you'll only remember parts of in the morning. And while the sober people will tell you the family gatherings are really about "togetherness and family unity," drinking with 3 generations of family around really means you'll never have to drive yourself home.
So crack open a beer and raise it now in toast to the saving grace of the family gettogether, alcohol. Just don't drink it all, you'll need alcohol again the next time they're coming over.
It'll probably fall short of the three minutes he needs to fill. But I think it's good work, given the circumstances.
This has been KL Snow.
Tonight, I can't sleep, but with limited problems of my own to solve, I stepped into the problem of another, one Ryan. Ryan is in a bind. He has a speech to give at 8 am on family traditions. I know his family, half of it is my family too. So I wrote him a speech on our family's biggest tradition: drunkenness. The text of the speech follows:
From coast to coast, yes, all the way from Green Bay to Superior, families like mine exist. They get together on holidays and anniversaries, sometimes they get together just to celebrate the fact that they're all still together. And they all have one thing in common: the need for social lubricant.
Under normal conditions, hearing the same stories, laughing at the same jokes, and eating the same food would grow tiresome. And if it didn't, the genuine uneducated, grating nature of members of our own families would cause us to go mad and attempt murder with plastic silverware. Thankfully, to alleviate the problem, my family gatherings are stacked to the fucking gills with alcohol.
A family gettogether without a keg or a case is like a horse without an ass. Twelve ounce servings of tolerance turn a potentially hazardous situation into something you'll only remember parts of in the morning. And while the sober people will tell you the family gatherings are really about "togetherness and family unity," drinking with 3 generations of family around really means you'll never have to drive yourself home.
So crack open a beer and raise it now in toast to the saving grace of the family gettogether, alcohol. Just don't drink it all, you'll need alcohol again the next time they're coming over.
It'll probably fall short of the three minutes he needs to fill. But I think it's good work, given the circumstances.
This has been KL Snow.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I need a new idol.
I came to this realization years ago, but it really came to a head over the weekend. You see, my idol for years has been Mick Foley. Whether he was the badass Cactus Jack, the crazy Mankind, the somewhat out of place Dude Love, or later the goofy Commissioner Foley, I ate it up. He was funny, he was tough, he was what I wanted to be, both as a wrestler, a best selling author, and a person. He was just an all around cool dude.
Then he retired. And un-retired. And retired. And un-retired. The problem is, wrestlers never un-retire to make another championship run. They un-retire because they were offered a bunch of money to get thrown down a flight of stairs by someone who wouldn't have been qualified to wrestle in the same building with them years earlier. They un-retire to make a quick buck by screwing over the reputation they spent years building.
Mick Foley has hit that point, run over it and kept going. Saturday night I got a phone call from Laura. Here's the quick version:
LAURA: There's a car show in Green Bay next weekend, you know who's going to be there?
KL: Who?
LAURA: Mick Foley. Wanna go see him?
KL: I really wish he'd stop showing up every time someone offers him 5 bucks.
I'd have driven to Green Bay 5 years ago to see him. Now, I think I'd cry if I saw him doing this. My idol has gone from being my hero to using his quasi-celebrity status to work the car show circuit. And I need a new idol. Any suggestions?
This has been KL Snow.
I came to this realization years ago, but it really came to a head over the weekend. You see, my idol for years has been Mick Foley. Whether he was the badass Cactus Jack, the crazy Mankind, the somewhat out of place Dude Love, or later the goofy Commissioner Foley, I ate it up. He was funny, he was tough, he was what I wanted to be, both as a wrestler, a best selling author, and a person. He was just an all around cool dude.
Then he retired. And un-retired. And retired. And un-retired. The problem is, wrestlers never un-retire to make another championship run. They un-retire because they were offered a bunch of money to get thrown down a flight of stairs by someone who wouldn't have been qualified to wrestle in the same building with them years earlier. They un-retire to make a quick buck by screwing over the reputation they spent years building.
Mick Foley has hit that point, run over it and kept going. Saturday night I got a phone call from Laura. Here's the quick version:
LAURA: There's a car show in Green Bay next weekend, you know who's going to be there?
KL: Who?
LAURA: Mick Foley. Wanna go see him?
KL: I really wish he'd stop showing up every time someone offers him 5 bucks.
I'd have driven to Green Bay 5 years ago to see him. Now, I think I'd cry if I saw him doing this. My idol has gone from being my hero to using his quasi-celebrity status to work the car show circuit. And I need a new idol. Any suggestions?
This has been KL Snow.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Here's a One Act Play that's going to eat at my brain for a while:
KL and Laura are in the apartment, KL is preparing to make dinner, and goes over to Laura's desk to see what she's doing. She's discussing my desire to not have children with an ex boyfriend. The following statement ensues:
LAURA: I still think that if I just stopped taking the pill, and a little while later there was a baby, you'd like it.
That's gonna haunt me for a while.
This has been KL Snow.
KL and Laura are in the apartment, KL is preparing to make dinner, and goes over to Laura's desk to see what she's doing. She's discussing my desire to not have children with an ex boyfriend. The following statement ensues:
LAURA: I still think that if I just stopped taking the pill, and a little while later there was a baby, you'd like it.
That's gonna haunt me for a while.
This has been KL Snow.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Ok, news flash.
The world around me, and unless you're from somewhere else, the world around you, is STUPID.
Back to back cases in point.
I was home tonight and I was bored. So bored I decided to go into the gym to work out on what would normally be an off day for me. I should've recognized this as a bad omen.
I got to the gym and got on the elliptical machine, which normally beats the crap out of me for about 40 minutes, before I go let weights beat the crap out of me some more. Normally I listen to a CD during this time. Tonight my CD was skipping. I should've recognized this as a bad omen.
But instead, I changed the channel on my headphones and started listening to CNN. Yes, that's right, CNN, a primary source of news and informed debate in our country. Sometimes. But not tonight. Tonight, there was a debate taking place. A debate between a congressman and a housewife. The topic, you ask? Start times of movies. Yes, that's right. The housewife was angry and thought a law should be made forcing theaters to start movies at their advertised time, with no previews. This woman apparently has nothing more important in her life than this matter.
I got off the machine. There was no way I could have stayed on the machine and not hurt myself while listening to this debate. Stupidity on this level throws me into rage of Lewis Black proportions. So I went to the locker room, changed clothes, got in my car, and did what I always do when I see something stupid: I called Ryan. Ryan is either the person who always gives me a sympathy laugh whether I'm funny or not or the person with the sense of humor most similar to mine, I'm not sure which. Anyway, I vented at Ryan, Ryan laughed, and I was starting to feel better when I got home. Until I checked my e-mail and found this, from Ticketmaster.
"Don't miss Aaron Carter." Yes, Ticketmaster, which has sold me exactly one ticket in my life, sent me an e-mail to let me know that Aaron Carter will be performing in West Des Moines, on Friday the 22nd of April. Aaron Carter is the musical equivalent of having a live grenade shoved up your ass. Thank you Ticketmaster, and thank you CNN, two prominent entities in a world around me which is inherently STUPID.
This has been KL Snow.
The world around me, and unless you're from somewhere else, the world around you, is STUPID.
Back to back cases in point.
I was home tonight and I was bored. So bored I decided to go into the gym to work out on what would normally be an off day for me. I should've recognized this as a bad omen.
I got to the gym and got on the elliptical machine, which normally beats the crap out of me for about 40 minutes, before I go let weights beat the crap out of me some more. Normally I listen to a CD during this time. Tonight my CD was skipping. I should've recognized this as a bad omen.
But instead, I changed the channel on my headphones and started listening to CNN. Yes, that's right, CNN, a primary source of news and informed debate in our country. Sometimes. But not tonight. Tonight, there was a debate taking place. A debate between a congressman and a housewife. The topic, you ask? Start times of movies. Yes, that's right. The housewife was angry and thought a law should be made forcing theaters to start movies at their advertised time, with no previews. This woman apparently has nothing more important in her life than this matter.
I got off the machine. There was no way I could have stayed on the machine and not hurt myself while listening to this debate. Stupidity on this level throws me into rage of Lewis Black proportions. So I went to the locker room, changed clothes, got in my car, and did what I always do when I see something stupid: I called Ryan. Ryan is either the person who always gives me a sympathy laugh whether I'm funny or not or the person with the sense of humor most similar to mine, I'm not sure which. Anyway, I vented at Ryan, Ryan laughed, and I was starting to feel better when I got home. Until I checked my e-mail and found this, from Ticketmaster.
"Don't miss Aaron Carter." Yes, Ticketmaster, which has sold me exactly one ticket in my life, sent me an e-mail to let me know that Aaron Carter will be performing in West Des Moines, on Friday the 22nd of April. Aaron Carter is the musical equivalent of having a live grenade shoved up your ass. Thank you Ticketmaster, and thank you CNN, two prominent entities in a world around me which is inherently STUPID.
This has been KL Snow.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
It's a momentous day, and the big news comes first:
I don't work at Wal Mart anymore. It's incredibly liberating to be free. I'm also broke, so if you're hiring...I'm listening. But I finally hit the point today where it had to end. I was going to get fired on Thursday for unexcused absences I got excused 3 months ago. So I decided to bring it all back to the present and quit today.
Furthermore, there has not yet been a post since my party Friday night, which I trust you all either enjoyed or missed entirely. I've decided, in place of writing an actual "who did what" party review that would get entirely skimmed over by most, I'm going to assign selected party-attendees titles, based on their actions at my party:
J.D. Fox: Crown Prince of the Ones and Twos, Micro Machines Grand Champion
Travis Monroe: Shrubbery irrigation specialist
Ryan Haasl: Chief assistant, alcohol acquisition.
Bridget (sorry, don't know your last name): Saint in charge of making sure Travis got home.
Laura McDonald: Winner of the 2005 "I hardly stayed long enough for you to know I was here" award.
To those of you who didn't make the list of titles, I'm sorry. Try again next time.
Finally, before I get to today's fun blog game, here's a quick movie review, as written by my new alter ego, Linkoman:
On Saturday, Ryan, Tara, Laura and I rented Owning Mahowny, because I liked Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. However, Ryan pointed out that Lester Bangs is the only Phillip Seymour Hoffman character that isn't really Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I didn't like the movie much.
Finally, here's one of those fun games with the questions no one really ever asks you, but you post the info anyway on the hopes someone will want to know.
Landing (and keeping) a job in baseball
Working a political campaign that doesn't involve the Presidency
More baseball parks I haven't seen. :)
3 things you want in a relationship:
reliability, love, honesty
I don't work at Wal Mart anymore. It's incredibly liberating to be free. I'm also broke, so if you're hiring...I'm listening. But I finally hit the point today where it had to end. I was going to get fired on Thursday for unexcused absences I got excused 3 months ago. So I decided to bring it all back to the present and quit today.
Furthermore, there has not yet been a post since my party Friday night, which I trust you all either enjoyed or missed entirely. I've decided, in place of writing an actual "who did what" party review that would get entirely skimmed over by most, I'm going to assign selected party-attendees titles, based on their actions at my party:
J.D. Fox: Crown Prince of the Ones and Twos, Micro Machines Grand Champion
Travis Monroe: Shrubbery irrigation specialist
Ryan Haasl: Chief assistant, alcohol acquisition.
Bridget (sorry, don't know your last name): Saint in charge of making sure Travis got home.
Laura McDonald: Winner of the 2005 "I hardly stayed long enough for you to know I was here" award.
To those of you who didn't make the list of titles, I'm sorry. Try again next time.
Finally, before I get to today's fun blog game, here's a quick movie review, as written by my new alter ego, Linkoman:
On Saturday, Ryan, Tara, Laura and I rented Owning Mahowny, because I liked Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. However, Ryan pointed out that Lester Bangs is the only Phillip Seymour Hoffman character that isn't really Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I didn't like the movie much.
Finally, here's one of those fun games with the questions no one really ever asks you, but you post the info anyway on the hopes someone will want to know.
3 names you go by:
Kyle, KL, Snowy
3 screennames you have:
TheEvilKL (AIM), KL4ever.rm (Yahoo), 34206774 (ICQ)
3 things you like about yourself:
I'm goofy, I wear sunglasses and I don't work at Wal Mart anymore.
3 things you hate/dislike about yourself:
I allowed myself to settle into a Wal Mart job for 8 months. I have a belly that won't go away. My wild and loose sense of humor causes me to insult people when I think I'm on a roll.
3 parts of your heritage:
My first baseball game was in Milwaukee
My first baseball job was in Missoula, Montana
My first playoff baseball game was in Cedar Rapids.
3 things that scare you:
The prospect of not being able to save my loved ones from whatever may harm them, dying alone, and Dick Cheney
3 of your everyday essentials:
Baseball, meat, caffeine
3 things you are wearing right now:
EVIL T-shirt, my watch, and boxers that glow in the dark.
3 of your favorite bands/artists:
They Might Be Giants, REM, Barenaked Ladies
3 of your favorite songs at present:
TMBG - Birdhouse in Your Soul
Scotty D - Drop the Bomb (we dance danced at my party and it's been in my head ever since)
Counting Crows - Mr. Jones
Landing (and keeping) a job in baseball
Working a political campaign that doesn't involve the Presidency
More baseball parks I haven't seen. :)
3 things you want in a relationship:
reliability, love, honesty
2 truths and a lie:
I dislocated my finger punching a brick wall this week.
I've got 12 pages written of a paper that was supposed to be 5-10 pages.
I'll probably play baseball again someday.
3 physical things about the opposite/same sex that appeal to you:
Eyes
Body
A noticeable lack of mental vacancy.
3 things you just can't do:
Give birth
Stick to a promise to write every day
Ignore bad grammar
3 of your favorite hobbies:
Video games
Reading
Im'ing
(Baseball doesn't count, anything that occupies that much of your time is an addiction.)
3 things you want to do really bad right now:
Eat
Get in a fight
Turn the page on my calendar
3 careers you're considering:
General Manager
Play-by-play announcer
Baseball writer
3 places you want to go on vacation:
Fenway Park
Cooperstown
I think my planned Tennessee trip this summer fits in here.
3 kid names:
I don't name children, I eat them.
3 things you want to do before you die:
Live a long time
Get a puppy
blow on Laura's belly (done!)
Friday, February 11, 2005
A quick take on something I hate.
I hate Valentine's Day. Hate hate hate. When I was single, I was convinced it was created and perpetuated to increase the suicide rate among single people. Now, as someone who's taken, I see it as an increasingly unnecessary reminder that I need to pamper someone. Here's a quick one act play to show what I'm talking about.
CONSUMATE PROFESSIONAL CHRISTOPHER PARRISH (CP) is on a couch next to another couch seating KL and LAURA at his house.
CP: So what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?
KL: I have class from 12:30-9, so we're going out to dinner Tuesday night.
CP: I see. I have to make dinner.
KL: If I made dinner on Valentine's Day, it'd be just like every other day.
Before Laura, I had been single on every Valentine's Day of my life. I had taken a couple of opportunities to perhaps try to find someone on Valentine's Day, hoping they'd be similarly struck by society pressing on them to find someone, but had no luck. But I don't just hate the holiday because it's been nasty to me. I hate the holiday because it's an awful concept.
If you love someone, you shouldn't need a goddamn holiday to show it. Some of us do on a day to day basis what others would never consider doing, even on Valentine's Day. Then we're expected to go above and beyond that, because it's a freakin holiday. It's a shitty, lamentable holiday forcing some people to do what they should be doing anyway and forcing others to sit in a dark corner and have it rubbed in their faces that they don't have anyone to do that for.
So with that said, just so you can maybe get a snicker out of my rage, let's see the messages we're sending with our Valentine's Day gifts:
Flowers say "I love you enough to give you something I removed from the Earth just so you could watch it die slowly."
Chocolates say "I love you enough that I don't care if, in a moment of weakness, you decide to eat the whole goddamn box and have to spend your rent money buying new clothes."
Stuffed animals say "I love you enough that I got you a warm fuzzy object so you'll still have something to cuddle with when I need to be somewhere else cause you're driving me insane."
Dinner, professional massages or trips to a day spa say "I love you but I'm sick of having to pamper/cook for/take care of you myself, so I'm paying someone else to do it."
And of course, gift certificates say "I love you but I stand absolutely no chance of actually figuring out what you want by myself."
This has been KL Snow. I promise I'll be in a better mood after this is over.
I hate Valentine's Day. Hate hate hate. When I was single, I was convinced it was created and perpetuated to increase the suicide rate among single people. Now, as someone who's taken, I see it as an increasingly unnecessary reminder that I need to pamper someone. Here's a quick one act play to show what I'm talking about.
CONSUMATE PROFESSIONAL CHRISTOPHER PARRISH (CP) is on a couch next to another couch seating KL and LAURA at his house.
CP: So what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?
KL: I have class from 12:30-9, so we're going out to dinner Tuesday night.
CP: I see. I have to make dinner.
KL: If I made dinner on Valentine's Day, it'd be just like every other day.
Before Laura, I had been single on every Valentine's Day of my life. I had taken a couple of opportunities to perhaps try to find someone on Valentine's Day, hoping they'd be similarly struck by society pressing on them to find someone, but had no luck. But I don't just hate the holiday because it's been nasty to me. I hate the holiday because it's an awful concept.
If you love someone, you shouldn't need a goddamn holiday to show it. Some of us do on a day to day basis what others would never consider doing, even on Valentine's Day. Then we're expected to go above and beyond that, because it's a freakin holiday. It's a shitty, lamentable holiday forcing some people to do what they should be doing anyway and forcing others to sit in a dark corner and have it rubbed in their faces that they don't have anyone to do that for.
So with that said, just so you can maybe get a snicker out of my rage, let's see the messages we're sending with our Valentine's Day gifts:
Flowers say "I love you enough to give you something I removed from the Earth just so you could watch it die slowly."
Chocolates say "I love you enough that I don't care if, in a moment of weakness, you decide to eat the whole goddamn box and have to spend your rent money buying new clothes."
Stuffed animals say "I love you enough that I got you a warm fuzzy object so you'll still have something to cuddle with when I need to be somewhere else cause you're driving me insane."
Dinner, professional massages or trips to a day spa say "I love you but I'm sick of having to pamper/cook for/take care of you myself, so I'm paying someone else to do it."
And of course, gift certificates say "I love you but I stand absolutely no chance of actually figuring out what you want by myself."
This has been KL Snow. I promise I'll be in a better mood after this is over.
Monday, February 07, 2005
I'm grumpy lately, and not for reasons I'm completely comfortable explaining to lots of people. But I'm seriously grumpy, so grumpy that Laura asked me today "Is it your time of the month?"
But since I'm not completely comfortable describing my real problem, here's what I've decided to do. I've created, in my head, a fictional problem. And I've created a fictional character, thus far unnamed, to deal with said problem. Here's what he'd say, faced with a problem not at all similar to my problem, in his way which is not all that similar to mine.
"You seem to think you belong in my world.
You seem to think you're strong enough, fast enough and smart enough to compete on my level.
But I know something you don't; you're not man enough.
You're scared, and if you're not, you should be.
Doing what you do has become a hobby. Being a thorn in my side has become your pastime. Some people play tennis, you irritate me.
But while you're dabbling in irritation, I'm making my life's work out of the dismantling of souls like yours.
So come stand toe to toe with me now, if you want. But make sure you're ready. Cause your life is headed for a permanent change. You'll never see a challenge the same way again."
This has been KL Snow.
But since I'm not completely comfortable describing my real problem, here's what I've decided to do. I've created, in my head, a fictional problem. And I've created a fictional character, thus far unnamed, to deal with said problem. Here's what he'd say, faced with a problem not at all similar to my problem, in his way which is not all that similar to mine.
"You seem to think you belong in my world.
You seem to think you're strong enough, fast enough and smart enough to compete on my level.
But I know something you don't; you're not man enough.
You're scared, and if you're not, you should be.
Doing what you do has become a hobby. Being a thorn in my side has become your pastime. Some people play tennis, you irritate me.
But while you're dabbling in irritation, I'm making my life's work out of the dismantling of souls like yours.
So come stand toe to toe with me now, if you want. But make sure you're ready. Cause your life is headed for a permanent change. You'll never see a challenge the same way again."
This has been KL Snow.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Ok, here's a blog game for you all to play, on my blog, therefore making me feel popular and driving my self-esteem through the roof while you all think I'm witty and clever.
Ok, that's a best case scenario. Probably not really going to happen. Maybe I should've changed that first sentence to "Here's some shit to do if you really care to blow the time on it."
We've all seen the game on other people's blogs, post your name and the blog author will write their honest feelings about you. I'm not into feelings, and I certainly don't need everyone on Earth knowing what I honestly think about them. But I will play a similar game.
Post your name, height and weight (lie about the weight if you have to), and I'll write your scouting report. I'll be honest and truthful in some of it, perhaps downright flattering in some of it, and perhaps utterly ridiculous in most of it. It'll give you something do for a little while, y'know, if you're bored.
Post away.
This has been, and presumably will continue to be, KL Snow.
Ok, that's a best case scenario. Probably not really going to happen. Maybe I should've changed that first sentence to "Here's some shit to do if you really care to blow the time on it."
We've all seen the game on other people's blogs, post your name and the blog author will write their honest feelings about you. I'm not into feelings, and I certainly don't need everyone on Earth knowing what I honestly think about them. But I will play a similar game.
Post your name, height and weight (lie about the weight if you have to), and I'll write your scouting report. I'll be honest and truthful in some of it, perhaps downright flattering in some of it, and perhaps utterly ridiculous in most of it. It'll give you something do for a little while, y'know, if you're bored.
Post away.
This has been, and presumably will continue to be, KL Snow.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
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