Here's a fun new game:
Decide what W should do with the tremendous amounts of time he's going to have on his hands after January.
Here's my best ones so far:
Play Stefano on Days of Our Lives. The role is open.
Become the dumbest Bond Villain EVER.
Generate enough money to permanently fix world hunger. And give it to Haliburton.
Those are the best ones so far. Got anything better?
Monday, October 25, 2004
Friday, October 22, 2004
Ok, I need to be working on a paper right now. I'm seriously way far away from being done with a paper that was already due a while ago.
But I'm writers' blocked, so it's time to write something goofy!
So here it is, the much awaited Series of One Act Plays by KL Snow, The Walmart Collection!
The first few plays all happened today and are funny in a "wow, you're dumb" sort of way. The last one is an incredible tale of stupidity, anger and vengeance, and if I live forever, I could still tell this story every day and love telling it.
Play 1: The Express Lane
KL is cashiering the express lane. IDIOT WOMAN walks up with a full cart of stuff.
KL: You realize this is the 20 items or less express lane, right?
IDIOT WOMAN (with 67 items): Yep.
About 5-10 customers later:
Play 2:
KL is still cashiering. STONERS walk up, carrying a bag of goldfish.
STONER 1: Duuuude, have you ever gotten a goldfish stoned?
Play 3:
KL is still cashiering. AMISH people enter the photo studio. MORONS come up to my register, carrying Halloween costumes.
MORON 1: Hey, check out the Amish woman! I should be an Amish woman for Halloween?
MORON 2: I wonder where she got her costume?
MORON 1 goes and asks her.
Play 4: (Multiple acts):
ACT 1
This one starts almost 2 months ago. KL has been invited to a meeting and is being offered a job by Primerica. KARL offered KL the job, and is standing with KL and 2 other POOR SUCKERS. MAJOR PRICK J.P. is lurking.
KARL: So KL, you go to Drake. What're you studying?
KL: Radio/TV Production
KARL: That's cool. We've got a guy here that used to work in radio. Hey J.P.!
MAJOR PRICK J.P. enters.
Moments pass.
J.P.: Yeah, I used to work in radio. I worked for an all-sports station in Cedar Rapids. During baseball season 2 years ago I got bored, so I asked a baseball player on the air if he'd ever fart in a catcher's face and I got canned.
KL stares blankly.
J.P.: What do you think? Would you do that?
KL takes a deep breath and starts to turn red.
KARL: I think we'd better be going.
KL lets the deep breath out.
Here's what I wanted to say, before Karl stopped me.
You fucking prick. I could take you back to Drake and introduce you to 10 people who would kill to have the job you fucked away, and any one of them would be embarassed to admit they'd met you later. If I had done what you've done, I'd be looking for a new line of work too, cause I'd be embarassed to show my face to a radio person ever again.
Weeks passed. I got hired by the Kerry campaign and turned down the job with Primerica, but kept working at Wal Mart on weekends so I'll still have a job after the campaign. Weeks passed and I wasn't thinking about what J.P. said and falling into rage quite as often. Then, one day:
Act 2:
KL is cashiering, of course. TOTAL PRICK J.P. comes into his line. KL decides to let it go and hope he doesn't get recognized.
J.P. comes to the front of the line. KL quietly bags his groceries. J.P. takes a close look at KL. There's a good sized line of people behind him, within earshot.
J.P.: Heeeeey...I know you! You came to the meeting at Primerica! Why didn't you come back?
KL takes a deep breath, but can't hold it in.
KL: I'd be embarassed to admit to anyone that I work for a prick like you.
J.P. turns pale.
I love that story.
Vengeance concludes, I've gotta go back to work now.
This has been KL Snow.
But I'm writers' blocked, so it's time to write something goofy!
So here it is, the much awaited Series of One Act Plays by KL Snow, The Walmart Collection!
The first few plays all happened today and are funny in a "wow, you're dumb" sort of way. The last one is an incredible tale of stupidity, anger and vengeance, and if I live forever, I could still tell this story every day and love telling it.
Play 1: The Express Lane
KL is cashiering the express lane. IDIOT WOMAN walks up with a full cart of stuff.
KL: You realize this is the 20 items or less express lane, right?
IDIOT WOMAN (with 67 items): Yep.
About 5-10 customers later:
Play 2:
KL is still cashiering. STONERS walk up, carrying a bag of goldfish.
STONER 1: Duuuude, have you ever gotten a goldfish stoned?
Play 3:
KL is still cashiering. AMISH people enter the photo studio. MORONS come up to my register, carrying Halloween costumes.
MORON 1: Hey, check out the Amish woman! I should be an Amish woman for Halloween?
MORON 2: I wonder where she got her costume?
MORON 1 goes and asks her.
Play 4: (Multiple acts):
ACT 1
This one starts almost 2 months ago. KL has been invited to a meeting and is being offered a job by Primerica. KARL offered KL the job, and is standing with KL and 2 other POOR SUCKERS. MAJOR PRICK J.P. is lurking.
KARL: So KL, you go to Drake. What're you studying?
KL: Radio/TV Production
KARL: That's cool. We've got a guy here that used to work in radio. Hey J.P.!
MAJOR PRICK J.P. enters.
Moments pass.
J.P.: Yeah, I used to work in radio. I worked for an all-sports station in Cedar Rapids. During baseball season 2 years ago I got bored, so I asked a baseball player on the air if he'd ever fart in a catcher's face and I got canned.
KL stares blankly.
J.P.: What do you think? Would you do that?
KL takes a deep breath and starts to turn red.
KARL: I think we'd better be going.
KL lets the deep breath out.
Here's what I wanted to say, before Karl stopped me.
You fucking prick. I could take you back to Drake and introduce you to 10 people who would kill to have the job you fucked away, and any one of them would be embarassed to admit they'd met you later. If I had done what you've done, I'd be looking for a new line of work too, cause I'd be embarassed to show my face to a radio person ever again.
Weeks passed. I got hired by the Kerry campaign and turned down the job with Primerica, but kept working at Wal Mart on weekends so I'll still have a job after the campaign. Weeks passed and I wasn't thinking about what J.P. said and falling into rage quite as often. Then, one day:
Act 2:
KL is cashiering, of course. TOTAL PRICK J.P. comes into his line. KL decides to let it go and hope he doesn't get recognized.
J.P. comes to the front of the line. KL quietly bags his groceries. J.P. takes a close look at KL. There's a good sized line of people behind him, within earshot.
J.P.: Heeeeey...I know you! You came to the meeting at Primerica! Why didn't you come back?
KL takes a deep breath, but can't hold it in.
KL: I'd be embarassed to admit to anyone that I work for a prick like you.
J.P. turns pale.
I love that story.
Vengeance concludes, I've gotta go back to work now.
This has been KL Snow.
Friday, October 08, 2004
I think it's a pretty funny day today. So, without introduction, let's get right to it.
Woke up at like 7. Then again at 10 when Laura's alarm went off, then again at 10:40 or so. Laura was gone working out, so I got up, wandered out to my computer, and started working on the paper that was due at 4. Nothing noteworthy there.
In mid-paper, Laura came home and we ordered pizza. We tried that new Domino's Double Melt pizza, cause I really had to try a pizza with creative use of cheese one last time before they run out of places to put the cheese. It really wasn't that good, which really shouldn't have surprised me that much. The first half of this day went that way.
Anyway, finished pizza, finished paper, and it was time for a victory tour. I turned in the paper, went and picked up my paycheck, went comic book shopping (got a new Tales of the TMNT and found a collection of Teen Titans, if anyone cares), and set about to purchase a new video game. Bear in mind, I almost never buy video games new...I wait until people start to call them a classic and then I buy them used, about 9-10 months late. Today, however, I had my heart set on trying out a new concept.
I read Penny Arcade pretty much everyday, which is maybe a little weird coming from me, as it's a comic mainly about newly released games and, as mentioned above, I don't buy new games. After reading Tycho's review of Donkey Konga, however, I decided that was just goofy enough that I needed to try it. The concept is this: Songs play, and you have a pair of bongos in front of you. You drum along to the music with either the left bongo, the right bongo, both, or a clap. I quickly discovered that a clap could be replaced by smacking the side of a drum. The makers of this game are fortunate that this is the only violence in this story.
Donkey Konga is the worst video game I've ever played. It's tremendously simple in nature, which made it quickly enjoyable. You play songs well and get coins, and that was decently motivating, as you can buy alternate sounds for your bongos, extra levels, and mini games with those coins. For a little while, you need those coins. You'd sell your girlfriend for those coins. Or maybe only I would. But anyway.
It gets tedious WAY fast. There's maybe 4-5 songs in the game I liked...two I really liked, Whip It and The Impression That I Get. (It doesn't pay to mention the original bands for those songs here...all the songs are covered. Some of the covers are awful.) After that, you're forced to sift through the crap. There's a challenge mode where it randomly picks songs for you. Regardless of how much music you like, there's absolutely no chance it'll get through 3 songs without picking something out that'll make you wish you hadn't ever turned on your Gamecube. Finally, I played a song called "Diddy's Ditties," some messed up hybrid between Happy Birthday and Row Row Row Your Goddamn Boat. I beat it, on the first try, as a matter of fact I never once lost a level. Then I went and checked my coin balance. I had about half of what I needed to unlock a mini game. I went and checked the next level. It was Bingo. You know Bingo, the song about the dog that needs its name spelled over and over. The minigame wasn't worth chasing anymore. I turned off the Cube.
I think the developers knew the concept would get stale when they made the game. They added different bongos to use, and different bongos make different sounds. I unlocked the old school NES sounds, and the Quiz Show sounds, but when you're bored enough that you're using bongos that sound like Quiz Show buzzers to drum to the eternally long version of On The Road Again, you know you could've spent your $80 better buying fingernail clippers for the homeless.
I bought the game at Target at 3:30. By 5, it was back in the box. After a couple of other stops, at 6 I sold it to Gamers in West Des Moines....well, more truthfully, I traded it for Zelda: Four Swords and a down payment on the new Turtles game that'll come out sometime in the next two weeks. I lost about $25 in the process. I also had a couple of rather funny exchanges at the video game store, so, without further ado, back to back one act plays!
KL carries his HEAP OF CRAP into Gamestop. DUDE is behind the counter. KL drops his boxes on the counter.
KL: How much can you give me for this?
DUDE: Let me check...$27 total.
KL: Really? I just paid $80 for it two hours ago.
DUDE: Yeah, I don't know why our price is so low on this.
KL chuckles.
KL: I know why.
KL carries his HEAP OF CRAP into Gamers, and sets it down on the counter. GAMERS DUDE is behind the counter. OTHER DUDE is shopping.
KL: How much can you give me for this?
GAMERS DUDE: Let me check.
OTHER DUDE: How does that game work? What do you do? Do you just beat on the drums?
KL: Well, yeah, and at first the music is good, but then it starts to suck and before you know it you're trying to unlock minigames by drumming to Row Row Row Your Boat and thinking if anyone else walks into the apartment you'll never ever live it down. You realize your options are to resell it or dig a really deep dark hole it'll never get out of. I live on the second floor. So I had to resell it.
GAMERS DUDE: I can give you $30 for the game and $17 for the controller.
KL: I'll be happy just to have it out of my hands.
OTHER DUDE: Is it really that bad?
KL: I have an aversion to blood. That's the only thing keeping me from chasing down the game's developer with a pickaxe.
KL spots a bowling pin behind the counter.
KL: Can I borrow that?
Not a whole lot of noteworthy material would follow, so we'll wrap it up here.
Venting concludes. This has been KL Snow.
Woke up at like 7. Then again at 10 when Laura's alarm went off, then again at 10:40 or so. Laura was gone working out, so I got up, wandered out to my computer, and started working on the paper that was due at 4. Nothing noteworthy there.
In mid-paper, Laura came home and we ordered pizza. We tried that new Domino's Double Melt pizza, cause I really had to try a pizza with creative use of cheese one last time before they run out of places to put the cheese. It really wasn't that good, which really shouldn't have surprised me that much. The first half of this day went that way.
Anyway, finished pizza, finished paper, and it was time for a victory tour. I turned in the paper, went and picked up my paycheck, went comic book shopping (got a new Tales of the TMNT and found a collection of Teen Titans, if anyone cares), and set about to purchase a new video game. Bear in mind, I almost never buy video games new...I wait until people start to call them a classic and then I buy them used, about 9-10 months late. Today, however, I had my heart set on trying out a new concept.
I read Penny Arcade pretty much everyday, which is maybe a little weird coming from me, as it's a comic mainly about newly released games and, as mentioned above, I don't buy new games. After reading Tycho's review of Donkey Konga, however, I decided that was just goofy enough that I needed to try it. The concept is this: Songs play, and you have a pair of bongos in front of you. You drum along to the music with either the left bongo, the right bongo, both, or a clap. I quickly discovered that a clap could be replaced by smacking the side of a drum. The makers of this game are fortunate that this is the only violence in this story.
Donkey Konga is the worst video game I've ever played. It's tremendously simple in nature, which made it quickly enjoyable. You play songs well and get coins, and that was decently motivating, as you can buy alternate sounds for your bongos, extra levels, and mini games with those coins. For a little while, you need those coins. You'd sell your girlfriend for those coins. Or maybe only I would. But anyway.
It gets tedious WAY fast. There's maybe 4-5 songs in the game I liked...two I really liked, Whip It and The Impression That I Get. (It doesn't pay to mention the original bands for those songs here...all the songs are covered. Some of the covers are awful.) After that, you're forced to sift through the crap. There's a challenge mode where it randomly picks songs for you. Regardless of how much music you like, there's absolutely no chance it'll get through 3 songs without picking something out that'll make you wish you hadn't ever turned on your Gamecube. Finally, I played a song called "Diddy's Ditties," some messed up hybrid between Happy Birthday and Row Row Row Your Goddamn Boat. I beat it, on the first try, as a matter of fact I never once lost a level. Then I went and checked my coin balance. I had about half of what I needed to unlock a mini game. I went and checked the next level. It was Bingo. You know Bingo, the song about the dog that needs its name spelled over and over. The minigame wasn't worth chasing anymore. I turned off the Cube.
I think the developers knew the concept would get stale when they made the game. They added different bongos to use, and different bongos make different sounds. I unlocked the old school NES sounds, and the Quiz Show sounds, but when you're bored enough that you're using bongos that sound like Quiz Show buzzers to drum to the eternally long version of On The Road Again, you know you could've spent your $80 better buying fingernail clippers for the homeless.
I bought the game at Target at 3:30. By 5, it was back in the box. After a couple of other stops, at 6 I sold it to Gamers in West Des Moines....well, more truthfully, I traded it for Zelda: Four Swords and a down payment on the new Turtles game that'll come out sometime in the next two weeks. I lost about $25 in the process. I also had a couple of rather funny exchanges at the video game store, so, without further ado, back to back one act plays!
KL carries his HEAP OF CRAP into Gamestop. DUDE is behind the counter. KL drops his boxes on the counter.
KL: How much can you give me for this?
DUDE: Let me check...$27 total.
KL: Really? I just paid $80 for it two hours ago.
DUDE: Yeah, I don't know why our price is so low on this.
KL chuckles.
KL: I know why.
KL carries his HEAP OF CRAP into Gamers, and sets it down on the counter. GAMERS DUDE is behind the counter. OTHER DUDE is shopping.
KL: How much can you give me for this?
GAMERS DUDE: Let me check.
OTHER DUDE: How does that game work? What do you do? Do you just beat on the drums?
KL: Well, yeah, and at first the music is good, but then it starts to suck and before you know it you're trying to unlock minigames by drumming to Row Row Row Your Boat and thinking if anyone else walks into the apartment you'll never ever live it down. You realize your options are to resell it or dig a really deep dark hole it'll never get out of. I live on the second floor. So I had to resell it.
GAMERS DUDE: I can give you $30 for the game and $17 for the controller.
KL: I'll be happy just to have it out of my hands.
OTHER DUDE: Is it really that bad?
KL: I have an aversion to blood. That's the only thing keeping me from chasing down the game's developer with a pickaxe.
KL spots a bowling pin behind the counter.
KL: Can I borrow that?
Not a whole lot of noteworthy material would follow, so we'll wrap it up here.
Venting concludes. This has been KL Snow.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Ok, got 29 minutes before class, but there hasn't been a blog post in a long time, and most of you who will read this already know why, but in case you don't, here's a quick reason: There are only 24 hours in a day, too few to maintain a job on a presidential campaign, a weekend job, 18 credit hours of school, and addictions to Turtles and Pirates.
Anyway, today's thought.
This is gonna repeat with my AIM away message, but bear with me anyway. Laura got up this morning at 4:30 to go feed the homeless breakfast. Our conversation about it last night went something like this:
LAURA: I've gotta get up early tomorrow.
KL: Why?
LAURA: I'm going to go feed the homeless for the Salvation Army.
KL: How early?
LAURA: Probably around 4:30. I've gotta be there by 5.
KL: Why do they need to eat so early? What else do they have to do?
LAURA: Well, I need to go, cause if I don't, no one will and they won't get fed.
So there's still a blank question in there. Why do they need to eat so early? Do they have a big day planned and want to eat first? It really makes no sense to me. I ate breakfast at 10:30 this morning...if I can do that, certainly the homeless can let their charitable helpers sleep another hour or two and eat at 8:30.
But Laura got up and left this morning (I was shocked too) and I couldn't get back to sleep. After about 15 minutes Pirates beckoned me and I did the zombie walk out to my computer, sat down, and clicked on Pirates. It wouldn't open. I checked my AIM list to see if anyone else was having this problem. My AIM had disconnected too. Matter of fact, all my connections were gone. I'd like to take this opportunity to throw a shout out to Mediacom. Even when I want to do something at the strangest possible time, you found a way to keep me from getting what I wanted out of your "unlimited" service. Cause it's "unlimited" internet. Except when it's down.
Ok, I've got like 4 more minutes before I've gotta go and I haven't tried to be funny yet. So here goes. Here are...for the first time ever in print....jokes that tanked in my public speaking class speech!
1 minute background: The author I was speaking about had just found out his college wrestling program, which had paid his way through college and earned him four varsity letters, had been cut. Now, the awful jokes.
1. David Fleming paid his way through college at Miami of Ohio by wrestling...no, not the kind with the steel chairs and Hulk Hogan, the amateur kind.
2. In this article my author is angry. But he's not angry because he was left off the third season of Celebrity Poker on Bravo, he's angry because his program was cut.
Can you believe no one laughed? Yeah, me too.
Pathetic humor concludes. This has been KL Snow.
Anyway, today's thought.
This is gonna repeat with my AIM away message, but bear with me anyway. Laura got up this morning at 4:30 to go feed the homeless breakfast. Our conversation about it last night went something like this:
LAURA: I've gotta get up early tomorrow.
KL: Why?
LAURA: I'm going to go feed the homeless for the Salvation Army.
KL: How early?
LAURA: Probably around 4:30. I've gotta be there by 5.
KL: Why do they need to eat so early? What else do they have to do?
LAURA: Well, I need to go, cause if I don't, no one will and they won't get fed.
So there's still a blank question in there. Why do they need to eat so early? Do they have a big day planned and want to eat first? It really makes no sense to me. I ate breakfast at 10:30 this morning...if I can do that, certainly the homeless can let their charitable helpers sleep another hour or two and eat at 8:30.
But Laura got up and left this morning (I was shocked too) and I couldn't get back to sleep. After about 15 minutes Pirates beckoned me and I did the zombie walk out to my computer, sat down, and clicked on Pirates. It wouldn't open. I checked my AIM list to see if anyone else was having this problem. My AIM had disconnected too. Matter of fact, all my connections were gone. I'd like to take this opportunity to throw a shout out to Mediacom. Even when I want to do something at the strangest possible time, you found a way to keep me from getting what I wanted out of your "unlimited" service. Cause it's "unlimited" internet. Except when it's down.
Ok, I've got like 4 more minutes before I've gotta go and I haven't tried to be funny yet. So here goes. Here are...for the first time ever in print....jokes that tanked in my public speaking class speech!
1 minute background: The author I was speaking about had just found out his college wrestling program, which had paid his way through college and earned him four varsity letters, had been cut. Now, the awful jokes.
1. David Fleming paid his way through college at Miami of Ohio by wrestling...no, not the kind with the steel chairs and Hulk Hogan, the amateur kind.
2. In this article my author is angry. But he's not angry because he was left off the third season of Celebrity Poker on Bravo, he's angry because his program was cut.
Can you believe no one laughed? Yeah, me too.
Pathetic humor concludes. This has been KL Snow.
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